True Blood: Who's Smoking the Fairy Dust?

With each new episode of the season I find myself questioning True Blood’s authenticity? Which I know is ridiculous when the premise of the show is that vampires and a cornucopia of other creepy creatures live amongst us. But the more outlandish it becomes the less pleased I am! Weird how our perception of reality only takes us so far before something becomes completely implausible. I guess my threshold for fantasy meeting reality stops at werewolves? Vampires, shifters, maynards, telepaths all fine, but fairies pu-lease who believes in those?

The show definitely walks a thin (and I mean dental floss thin) line between reality and fantasy, and as of late has done so beautifully, aiding in my belief that most of what is happening in the show is real including Eric’s amazing abs! Let's be honest he must be downing a delicious Roidtini daily!

Last night this thin line was disintegrated by fairy dust. "Everything was broken" including my delusions of reality. Bill’s entry into fairyland robbed the show IMHO of  it's credibility and darkness. What is next unicorns, Leprechauns and magical rainbow rides?

Clearly the left side of my brain rules my body, math and logic don't make regular appearances in my control tower, so I am definitely intrigued by all the universe has to offer, but fairies are just too Disney. I must admit I tend to favor the existence of nightmarish creatures, this is potentially why I don’t sleep most night as I am still dreaming of Freddy Kruger busting through my door.

I do love love love Talbot's new digs, a Waterford crystal earn! Fancy! I can only hope Russell will be prancing around with his Talbot fruit salad for the remainder of the season!

Are you smoking the fairy dust? What is your reality to fantasy threshold?

Shut-Up! It's Saturday Morning!!!

Who takes their kids swimming at 7AM ? I just woke up with the rings of Saturn around my eyes due to spending the wee hours of the morning trying to sleep with 2 little kids screaming"mamma, mamma, maamma" over and over again. They even penetrated my dreams, as I found myself laying at the pool with  my sister and a headache. Thank goodness they finally switched up their shrieks with what I could only make out to be Spanish nursery rhymes. It took all the power of my good conscience (I think the little version of myself with angels wings on my shoulder died of exhaustion) not to open my balcony door and yell "SHUT UP!" But I realize karma is a bitch and I will be the one with the screaming kid soon. Lord have mercy!

It is time to buy a house, I am done playing well with others.

"I now understand why the big bad wolf wanted to eat Little Red Riding Hood" - Cinderella

Happy Friday! Have a Llama!

Menu for Happiness

Intoxicants:
Wine with sparkles of course!
True Blood, True Blood and more True Blood
Bethany Getting Married – Look at that pregnant bitch!
Beach Vacations - As long as it is not in Georgia. I like my beach to provide a tropical experience

Fresh Meat:
Cocktails with Patrick on Sirius XM – Holla at Ya Boy!
Ross Mathews - I wish he would be my GBF, is there such a thing as GayDate? I swear he is so gay when he talks rainbows come out of his mouth
Harry Potter – I am a total nerd, the theme song is my ringtone. Don't judge I am just imaginative

Weight Watcher Friendly:
Skinny jeans – the darker the better, they make my legs disappear
Sushi for breakfast, lunch & dinner and don’t stinge on the spicy mayo!
Saying “I am fat” at least 20 times a day! Prince Charming says he is going to start a swear jar

Deserts/ Guilty Pleasures:
Give me Attention - no PR is bad PR!
Sugar Free Comedians i.e. Daniel Tosh, Louis CK and Chelsea Handler – tell it like it is kids
Tell me I am gorgeous/beautiful – Say it, I don’t care if it’s true or not!
Sales at Bloomies – okay sales anywhere, but Bloomies make me dizzy!

Today's Special:
Prince Charming telling me how glorious I am, while cooking dinner and giving me a back massage.

I am not demanding I am just definite. Now who’s taking my order?

Dating in the Dark: You Have A Great Personality, But Your Fugly!

The new season of Dating in the Dark is here, and I am as giddy as a school girl! I am not one who even mildly enjoys shows like the Bachelor/Bachelorette, but I do love a good dating game with a sick twist, i.e. Joe Millionaire, Beauty and the Geek and the best yet Mr. Personality. So naturally I love Dating in the Dark. It is dramatic and provides me with instant gratification, just how I like it! No need to waste 3 months waiting to find out who is going home with someone and who is just going home crying.

Dating in the Dark puts 2 sets of strangers, 3 male and 3 female in a house for the equivalent of weekend. Long enough to find true love right? Here is the catch, they are not allowed to see each other with the lights on and can only conduct their dates in a room darker than the edge of space.

Ultimately they have to win over the heart of their compatible match with their personalities, but like for most  guys personality is not quite enough and it is hilarious watching them try to sneak an indiscreet flubber examine - Its pretty obvious that when a guy asks to feel your face he is checking for neck fat not how smooth your skin is!

Last night Joey was concerned about landing up with a "floater", who I quote "might blow up like a tick". Needless to say he went home alone. A fat chick is better than no chick loser. Take your chest hairs back to Jersey, you (and Jersey Shore) are giving the nice people of your state a bad name.

After 3 dates they are revealed in the light to the person they have pick,(and who many of the desperate women has deemed their soul mate)! The reveal is always so uncomfortable to watch, it is like staring straight into the sun!

Finally once they have seen each other in the light, the show sets up the contestants for one final blow. The guy is asked to show up to meet the girl. Way to set yourself up for rejection on National TV. The girl must wait anxiously praying like a nerd on prom night for her date to show up. Most times the girl is left mortified knowing that her alleged "soul mate" thought she was fugly along with all of America. Good luck trying to get this girl to now date in the light!  This can't be easy for someone who already seemed as emotionally stable as a teenager with a meth addiction. 

Out of all this the "thoughtfully deep" lesson ABC is trying to convey to America is: Looks should not matter! To bad in most instances it backfires. We are America of course looks matter! Have you not seen Doctor 90210, The Swan or Extreme Makeover, most of which air on your network? I am so confused??? I will try not to be too shallow while getting a boob job because I can't find true love. Sheesh!

Be sure to check out Dating in the Dark on ABC at 10PM Monday nights.
http://abc.go.com/shows/dating-in-the-dark

"Finding Prince Charming with the lights on was hard enough" - Cinderella

It's a Friday Blog Party! And I Want to Be the Bell of the Ball!

Have a Toshtastic Weekend!!

Binge and Splurge! The Real Housewives of D.C.

The much anticipated season premiere of the Real Housewives of D.C. aired last night. I decided to watch as I thought nothing could be as gut wrenchingly painful as the New Jersey season, and I also love D.C. having attend College there.

I was wrong! This show is painful in a whole new way! These bitches are starving and not for money, but for a damn Happy Meal! I could hardly follow the storyline (if there was any) due to my sick fascination with how thin these chicks were. As a Jewish woman it hurt me to see someone look so malnourished. I felt instantly completed to force a brisket down each of their throats!

Serious at some point in a girl’s life being stick thin like skeletor makes you look old as dirt, and these women look as ancient as Egyptian Mummies. In fact being bandaged from head to toe might be a better look for them to consider. They are all in desperate need of a stiff injection to the face of Oprah’s butt fat! They are so horribly thin that their eyeballs look like they are going to roll out of their sockets onto the floor. EAT!!! You live in DC not L.A. nobody cares; most politicians are fat, bald and drunk anyway.

Lynda Erkiletian

Michaele Salahi

Skeletor

Also what is with the flaming husband in Pucci pants??? Last night he was voted a “fashion trendsetter” by Washingtonian Magazine. Honey buy yourself a ticket to Broadway or at least hook up with the out of place Ms. Jay wanna be. I am undecided about returning next week to watch what I have deemed “Gross Anatomy!"Will you be watching’?


"Bakers man bakers man bake these bitches a cake as fast as you can!" - Cinderella

Bath Bombs are the Business

There is no better way (IMHO) to pamper yourself after a long day than by taking a bubble bath. I have been treating myself to these for as long as I can remember, shutting out the world, lighting a candle, reading a book and listening to spa tunes on Pandora. The perfect way to end my day on a note of Zen.

My ideal water temperature is cooking! (It must be my Russian blood). Prince Charming says I look like a red lobster boiling in a pot of bubble soup! Attractive I know! At least I am not letting out a silent scream! EEK!


A few months ago one of my besties gave me some amazeballs for my birthday (not those kind of balls, gross ladies) LUSH bath bombs and they are DA BOMB no joke. They come in all shapes, sizes, colors and smells and most of the time I feel like Molly Shannon smelling them obsessively before finally convincing myself to drop them in the water verses stuffing them in my mouth. But that is just the icing on the cake aside from the intoxicating smell each one has a wondrous surprise inside. Last night I was funfettied with hearts! I felt like I was finally getting the ending I deserved to my long day. A parade in my honor!

Below are a few of my favs, try them out I promise there is no looking back once you hop into a tub of adornment and are showered with glitter! You'll feel like you just won Ms. America!

For those of you who don't have a LUSH store near you, you can buy these FBOMBS (fabulous bombs) at http://www.lush.com/

Here are a few of my favs!

Sex Bomb
Whip your clothes off for this ultra sexy
 Bath Bomb of seduction!  

Fairy Jasmine
 For those that love glitter an
the intoxicating fragrance of jasmine

Think Pink
A pink candy-topped treat
with intoxicating tonka bean
absolute and a sweet vanilla fragrance

Please send your Thank You notes to….JK ENJOY!!!


“After a long day of scrubbing floors there is nothing better than soaking in a hot bucket of sudsy water” – Cinderella

Fashion Drought! I am Parched!

The depression recession is finally trickling down the fashion food chain to a mall near you. I feel like I am back in the desert and it is not even close to Passover!

Prince Charming and I were part of the fortunate few who were not negatively affected by this ugly time in our country's history. So having our regular incomes in a society where everything was on sale, well was like being a housewife at an “All You Can Inject Botox Party”. Everything had to get remodeled, especially my closet!

In 2009 stores by the handful faced the reality of being stuck with excess merchandise and no way to alleviate themselves of their abundant baggage. So the markdowns began!!!  Those of us who could shop quickly worked ourselves into a mad frenzy (think Tasmania devil!). I could not believe the bargains I was getting, even embarrassed to pay so little for big designer brands! I reveled in the misfortune of the retail world! Finally I could look like a million bucks without having to spend it!!! My obsession developed quickly and possessed me like the poltergeist of a fashion victim. I wanted to find bargains everywhere, Bloomies, Saks, Niemen’s, JCREW. I ran the gamut, I was is a battle against time to snatch up all the glorious stuff humanly possible before this wondrous time ended.

Well my friends my clock just zeroed out! Unfortunately the merchandise well has run dry! I don’t think I  drained it completely by myself, but it is entirely possible! I have come to the end of my rainbow, there is no new fashion left to be bought on sale. And worse yet there seems like there is nothing new coming down the pipelines! Is the faucet in my city empty? I need a plumber ASAP! Where is Tim Gunn when you need that bitch! What am I going to wear? It feels like I have been starring at the same clothes on the rack and in my closet for six months and I refuse to pay full price for anything again!

I need rehab or a time machine so I can reboot my shopping habits back to their original settings; maybe Lindsey will let me share her cell.

“I need more discounted designer slippers or I will scream” – Cinderella

Trueblood – Truly Revolting! (Spoiler Alert!)

It is hard not to take notice of the amped up gore factor on True Blood over the last two weeks, unless maybe if you are dead on the inside. It has geared up from the occasional bleeding wound and severed head to a full on “bleed out” feast! I get it Alan Ball, you need to keep upping your game. After all it is not TV it is HBO, but seriously this is getting out of control.

Over the last 2 episodes vampires, werewolves, shifters and now fairies (yes I know), get bludgeoned on the head, drained within an inch of their lives, impaled, shot, tortured with Tiffany’s earrings, and run over by vehicles of all shapes and sizes. And yes we are only 6 episodes in, what is coming next? I am taking bets the last episode of the season will include a mass grave digging in Bon Temps just to dispose of all the bodies!

It has become so vial that I have taken to eating Sunday dinner early just so I don't barf while I am shoveling down steak or worst yet some type of ground meat – I swear I can taste the blood and bones crunching and I feel no better than a vamp with an insatiable taste for human meat/blood. I do often laugh while eating meat and watching this show, I definitely feel it is the appropriate choice! Like drinking a martini while watching Sex and The City.

Also let’s discuss the ridiculousness of all these new types of mythical redneck freaks that keep walking into town. Why are so many frequenting Bon Temps? Is there a bottomless well of free Budweiser? Or a sale on tractor trailers? At least in Buffy they explained that the school was built on top of the portal to hell – a plausible explanation.


I am super confused I thought the show was a "realistic" look at how vampires live within our society and function as part of the “regular” human race, well most of them at least. Of course there are those old school vamps who want to prey on the human race and take over the universe – high hopes for a zombie with an attitude!

Now we are learning there are many more types of crazy mythical creatures that live amongst us. I guess it is mildly acceptable in a world where vampires exist, but lately I feel like I am watching a pornographic version of World of Warcraft. Where will the line be drawn? It is more common for folks in Bon Temps or any of its adjacent parishes to have a crazy “dark” secret than to just be a normal human being.

Oh and Sookie is a fairy!! And now that Bill has drained her of her blood and “light” he is part fairy too! A Vampairy? Fairvampi?? WTF this is getting too complex and convoluted! I feel like I need to do some V so I can be high enough to believe the sh”t this show is shoveling out.

“This is more disturbing than watching Beauty and the Beast make out!" – Cinderella

"Dolce and Gabbana, hello"

1. Presenting the cast of Gossip Girl Nebraska.
2. Plaid is the only fabric they sell at the local Hancock's.
3. Granny must have arthritis from making everyone matching outfits each day.
4. This is what happens when your inbreed, even your clothes start to look the same.
5. The family that plaids together stays together! That's because everyone else thinks you are freaks!
6. Steve has a genetic defect "unruly hair"! That is why he must sleep in the stable with the horse.
7. What is Brad Pit doing standing next granny - I know he likes old hags with lot of kids, but you have to draw the line somewhere!
8. Even families in designer clothes look miserable when they are force to get together!
9. Impressive entry for Extreme Home Makeover - Ty you have your work cut out for ya, and you'd better bring an exorcist!
10. How many plaid centaurs are they hiding in the basement?
11. The Alabama Class of 2010 Senior Prom Picture!
12. Where is grandpa?
13. What does D&G stand for? "Derelict" & Grandma???

"What do you think Dolce is sayin'?

Tooth Scary! A Cautionary Tale!

I am still hopped up on painkillers from yesterday’s root canal experience, good thing I am in the office. It’s going to be a “fun” day for me at least. My computer screen currently looks like a portal to another universe and the sound of my fingers typing is as loud as a million elephants dancing Swan Lake on a tin roof!

You would imagine I learnt a few valuable lesson from this tooth drama, like to floss more frequently, eat less sugar, yada yada good teeth heath and hygiene. Yeah right! I went straight home and ate the homemade brownies I made the night before. Hey all I can eat are soft foods and they say “guilt free” on the box– justify justify justify!

So the big lesson I learnt yesterday was drum roll.... Whatever you do don’t turn around after the dentist has finished drilling into your skull! Seriously I mean it! You might turn into a pillar of salt! What I laid my eyes on was right out of a Saw movie (I have not seen this film as I pee myself in terror just looking at the box, this is how I know it is the most horrific movie of all time!) Lying nonchalantly on the table was a tray filled with bits of my mouth! This primordial soup consisted of drool, bone, tooth, blood and some other unidentifiable yellow ooze.

SICK!!!

The worst part was by the time I left they had still not removed this Petri dish of hazardous waste. What were they saving it for? Stem cell research???

P.S. Tooth fairy pay up! I deserve a FAT check from you based on the amout of tooth I gave up yesterday!
 
“I feel like I just barely survived a horse and carriage hit and run” – Cinderella

Ouch!

Someone just unfollowed me! Was it something I said??? Really I know I can be a little superficial, but the truth hurts sometimes ladies, it’s vicious out there!!


Thanks to my loyal followers for sticking with this bitch!!

XO
Cinderella

“Girl You Look Like a Million Bucks (and I don’t mean all green and wrinkly)!”

For all of us trying to make our way up the social and corporate ladder, nothing is more important than always looking your best! The odds are ugly when going up against Murphy’s Law on this one. If you go out looking as appetizing as a piece of fruit rotting in the sun all day, you are 100% definitely going to run into one of the following people:

The Ex: He/She should feel eternally remorseful  for screwing up your relationship even if you were to blame. Seeing you all gorgeous will invoke feelings of regret, and they may actually begin to believe it was all their fault. (like you keep saying!).

The Exs’ Current Girl/Boyfriend: Looking better than this person and knowing they are feeding on your sloppy seconds is a feeling I can only equate with finding a designer bag on sale and then finding an additional coupon in the bottom of your purse.

The Crush – No one is drooling over a pair of sweatpants with brownie stains on them.

The Frenemy - Those ugly step sisters are just waiting to trip you up with their big un-manicured feet. Don’t validate the gossip they are spreading about you.

The Boss or Potential New Boss – Who wants to promote/hire someone who can’t even wash their hair before going out in public? In the presence of your career gatekeepers you must always look successful at everything you are doing, even if it is a task as menial as picking out frozen vegetables at the grocery store. On the odd chance your boss thinks you are a loser he/she will be jealous that you are a better looking "loser" then they are.

Looking top of your game at all times is the best line of defense against this army of ruthless critics, who might I just add are all armed with camera phones! Thanks technology gods now everyone on Facebook and Twitter can see me doing the walk of shame through Target at 4 in the afternoon.

If you don't feel impressive stay home! You are going to walk into a war you can’t win without lip-gloss and a shiny pair of pumps!

“Dress like you are always attending the ball” – Cinderella

Top Chef’s Top Bitch!

I am a huge fan of Top Chef as cooking is an art that remains a mystery to me. I ignorantly believed that the day after I got married, a virtual cook book would unlock in my mind. I however did not receive this download! Thanks fairy g-dmother for not granting me this one essential wish!

I am so cooking challenged that I actually once tried boiling an egg in a glass dish on the stove top. Much too only my surprise it exploded - Talk about having egg on your face.This was my traumatic turning point. No physical scars remain, but the emotional ones cut pretty deep into the core of my being, who is now strongly averse to cooking.

So this season of Top Chef is off to a pretty good start. My unexplained hatred for Padma continues for no good reason other than I don't like her face. Why does she speak like she is always delivering devastating news - it is a show about food, lighten up you are not on General  Hospital, no one has a brain tumor or is in a coma. Luckily the show has blessed me with a new person to deflect my disgust towards, Angelo Sosa – what a bitchy queen! Come out of the closet already!  At least I could accept the cattiness from a Cher loving friend of Dorothy’s.

At first I cautiously held back my feelings for Angelo as I thought he was“just playing the game”, but things just continue to get uglier, so unleash the beast!

WARNING! Sleep with one eye open Top Chefers! 

• Angelo is a self proclaimed competitor – he is “breaking necks and cashing checks”!
• His advice is toxic; Would you listen to the snake in the Garden of Eden about how to garnish your apple?
• You might actually have a chance of winning by doing the opposite of what he says - now that is a solid strategy I could get behind 
• Don’t become Angelo’s next apprentice (aka victim). I know it is easy to be seduced by his mini-massages and late night whisper fests under the stars. Learn by poor Tanesha’s example! She was voted off this week. Guess who tasted her dish and told her is was great??? He is misguiding you on purpose dum dums.
• If he is immune and offers to make a dish a child or even I can make i.e celery and peanut butter– just say no! This dish is NOT bringing home a win on purpose fool!
• Finally he looks a little too much like the demented character Syler from Heroes for my comfort. Just saying it is creepy! I bet this is who he takes his greasy hair tips from. Don’t stand to close to that open flame dude!

                                                    SYLER
ANGELO



This season is proving to be off the hook nasty! I guess DC brings out the scheming politician in everyone!

“ Double double boil and bubble, Angelo’s brewing up some trouble” – Cinderella

Sh*t Prince Charming Says:

Last night Prince Charming informed me that I have "a nose like a Jedi" after I leaned in to kiss him and missed whacking him in the face with my ethnically large nose.

I guess that's what you get for marrying a Jewish princess with no motor skills.


“Oy Vey” – Cinderella

Lifetime – Television for Idiots!

Who watched Jennifer Love Hewitt’s’ Emmy winning performance last night in The Client List? If you did I would love to hear your thoughts.

Here are my 2 cents:

• Yes Jennifer Love Hewitt you were caught in a lie, a terrible lie pretending to be an actress. You have not had a good day since Can’t Hardly Wait! Let's not even discuss Jamie Kennedy!
•  Do all hookers wake up in the morning with perfectly applied makeup and fake eyelashes? Sounds like a good incentive! 
•  How is her husband so in the dark about her “secret job”? Does he think wearing skanky outfits is just part of being a redneck mom?
• Why is she repetitively hugging her son after she comes home from “work”? She better be Purelling her entire body like crazy! I would not want to touch her with a ten foot pole (no pun intended)
• Ironically while JLH was falling asleep at the wheel driving home late from the "Day Spa", I was doing the same on my couch – what a bore! I wish she had crashed into that truck!
• Finally do all men really want to discuss their favorite food and eat cookies while being serviced? I guess that is a rhetorical question. I think George Costanza answered that question for us all with the pastrami sandwich in bed episode. Seinfeld - The Blood

Let me know your thoughts on this train wreck. I could not make it all the way through for fear of losing anymore of my brain cells! I can only imagine how it ended. Oh Lifetime you are amazing what will you think of next? A movie about a tranny home ec teacher featuring Lady Gaga?

The Client List

“Some girls are doomed to be the ugly step sister“– Cinderella

How to Act like You're Richer than Gates on an MC Hammer Budget - Part 1

First let's get this straight I do not advocate being a perma bitch or acting holier than Jesus. Being a S.N.O.B. (She is Never Openly Broke) is just having classy standards and never admitting you are ever less than fortunate.

Rule 1: Perception is 2/3 of the law.

• People believe anything! So you already have the upper hand.
• Never say: “I am so broke” or “ I can’t afford to do that” when your friends ask you to join them for dinner at a new expensive restaurant and you don’t feel like shelling out $100 for the most awesome piece of sushi ever. Seriously I like a good piece of sushi, but that fish better be spiked with eternal youth if that is what I am spending.
• Say this instead: 
• “I can’t make it tonight because I need my beauty sleep; I have a super busy weekend ahead." - Wow she is popular!
• “I am so slammed at work, its going to be a late night at the office." - She is so productive,  and important! Such a dedicated worker surely commands a high salary.
•  “I can’t make it tonight, I am saving for the new Louis bag”. That way if you do (and I don’t advise this) purchase a fake LV bag your friends will automatically believe it is real, obviously unless I am your friend.

While this might all sound just down right manipulative and shallow, it is not. If your goal in life is to live like the princess you know you are then strategy is everything. One must present themselves in the way they aspire to be- manifest destiny ladies!

"Sorry Goldilocks I can't make it tonight I am redecorating the house aka cleaning the floors of my ugly stepmother's shack” – Cinderella

Total Eclipse of the Heart!

So I am barely over 30 (and I mean barely you can hardly notice, just ask the guy at the liquor store) and slightly embarrassed that I am curious about seeing a Twilight movie. Please note I said curious. I really thought the books were vapid drool, but hey if you can make millions off of it major kudos to you, you are just proving again that people love BS.

So me and one of my best gals decide to head out to see Eclipse. I am not a Twihard by any means, but she on the other hand might easily meet the criteria by suggesting we seeing it at midnight during the week. I decline as I can’t recall the last time I was out close to midnight on a school night; I might turn into a pumpkin or worse yet fall asleep while snoring in the movie. All the screaming teenagers would  then really think I was as ancient as a vampire.

We agree to go see it at 7PM (during Twilight, the irony was wasted on me at the time), buying our tickets in advance, however when we get there the line is around the block. Damnit! Like two sheep we jump in line bitching as to how the show is set to start in a matter of minutes and we have not even been let in the building. After waiting for like a million years (ok 10 mins, but 10 mins of kvetching feels like a million years ask any Jewish man) we see people going in another entrance – we yell “suckers!” and rush over to the other open door. We were the suckers, the outside line we were standing in was for the later show. Whatever, I refuse to believe I am a sheep.

We rush into the theater, finally finding two seats situated far enough away from the women with the screaming new born. Lady you must like vampires in an unholy way if you decide it is a great idea to bringing your baby out at night to the movies! Some people should not be allowed to reproduce, follow the example of the vampires you covet so much – they can't have babies.

Ssssh.The movie starts with Edward debuting first, and instantly a group of frantic teenage banshees make their eternal devotion know to "Team Edward" vocally. Please get a life! I don’t remember acting like such a ‘tard when I went to see Dirty Dancing for the first time. The 8o’s were totally a better time free of teenage vampires...wait I forgot about Lost Boys and oh yeah TeenWolf - I guess even bad history repeats itself.


I fane interest for a while and then BAM! Jacob enters the scene (and my heart) and the guilt instantly hits me like fat girl to the face. I love Jacob! Yeah team Jacob! Werewolves rule, vampires drool! Before I can even stop to slap myself upside the head, I find myself willing partaking in the mayhem that is going on the theater; I have Bieber fever for werewolves!

I am pissed once the movie is over, I want more Jacob. Like a crackhead I start feeling the withdrawal kicking in almost immediately! I turn to my girlfriend in a frenzy and ask her if she thinks it is weird if I put a poster of Jacob  in my bedroom. She reminds me that I am married and barely over 30! Would Prince Charming really mind,? Honestly could he be threatened by a 16 year old (barely legal) fake werewolf???

I am glad to say I think I have the fever under control and have not yet made a second trip of shame to see Eclipse, my girlfriend however went the following night to see it alone at 10PM; this chick might have it worse than I do.

 Help!


“Werewolves can’t huff & puff and blow my castle down, right?” – Cinderella

Thanks Barney Stinson - I made up some words too!

Personable + Dedicated = Personicated
Intelligent + Gorgeous = Intelligeous
Productive + Tenacious = Producious
Inspirational + Creative = Inspirative

Have a go at it, its fun!

Barney Stinson's Awesome Video Resume

Inspirationally Bitchy!

Amazing read by Jen Lancaster.

check out: http://www.jennsylvania.com/ for more info.

Maybe one day she will write the forward on my book - "delusions of grandeur get you everywhere!"

Words of Wisdom by Coco Chanel

"Look for the woman in the dress. If there is no woman, there is no dress."

"Luxury must be comfortable, otherwise it is not luxury."

"Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them."

"Some people think luxury is the opposite of poverty. It is not. It is the opposite of vulgarity."

"Success is often achieved by those who don't know that failure is inevitable"

"The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud."

"Those who create are rare; those who cannot are numerous. Therefore, the latter are stronger. "

"Girl should be two things: classy and fabulous."
"A women who doesn't wear perfume has no future."

"As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!"

Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.

"Elegance does not consist in putting on a new dress."

"Elegance is not the prerogative of those who have just escaped from adolescence, but of those who have already taken possession of their future."

"Fashion fades, only style remains the same."

"Fashion is architecture: it is a matter of proportions."

"Fashion is made to become unfashionable."

"Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening. "

"Mirror mirror on the wall is Coco Chanel the fairest of them all?" - Cinderella

JACKIE & DEBRA - This is for you Jackie hi!

Ugly Step Sister's "Don't of the Day" Don't carry a fake!

If you know it is fake, news flash everyone else does too:

• 
  
  If you are wearing jeans from Wally World and  carrying a LV (Seriously there are no words)
• 
  
  If I can smell you coming a mile away? Why do these  things all smell like gasoline? I can only assume you are highly flammable - beware! WTF are these things made out of? 
• 
  
  If the gold or silver hardware looks like and actually is plastic
• 
  
  If the bag is broken and has not been repaired- designer bags NEVER break and if they do the store will repair it or replace it for free. A lifetime warranty is the least you can expect on a purse you opted to buy over you medical insurance for the year - fashion is always the cure
• 
  
  If you are driving a car that has an exterior item held on with duct tape. If you can't afford to fix your car  how are you carrying a $2000 Gucci bag?

If you can't afford the real thing don't opt for a knock-off made by poor third world kids. These kids are probably deathly ill from the fumes coming from the materials used to make a purse that ain't foolin' anyone - not to mention some have probably gone up in flames when trying to cook dinner. Carrying a fake makes you look less "rich" and "important" than carry a trendy bag that is actually in your own price range.


My favorite part of the recession is being able to afford bags that I could not always afford before. Opt for brands such as: Michael Kors, Coach, Cole Haan and Kate Spade rather than that "el cheapo" fake. Carrying a moderately priced designer bag during an economic crisis lets everyone know you still have a job (or at the least a fat severance check).

Here are some links to AMAZING deals for arm candy!
• http://www.bbos.com/
• http://www.avelle.com/
• http://www.nordstrom.com/ (check out the sales section)
• http://www.katespade.com/ (sign up for the sample sales up to 80% off)
• http://www.ruelala.com/
• http://www.giltgroup.com/

Seriously I know it is tempting, but put down the fake already! Everyone knows you are fronting when you take your Motorola razor out of your D&G bag.

"Stop trying to squeeze into that glass slipper girl" Ugly Sissy