Sunday, December 19, 2010

DEXTER Season Finale: Enlightment vs. Impailment

A week later and I am still walking around pissed off and let down by the Dexter Season Finale. Season 4 ended with my jaw dropping on the floor, which I understand it is a tough act to follow, but seriously a kid's birthday party? The total opposite to finding your wife murdered in the bath tub, no? Where is the suspense in ending on Dexter blowing out Harrison's birthday candle? The only thing I was left guessing about was the flavor of the cake and if Angel feed in to Laguerta while saying something sexually dirty.

After reading several blogs and articles in search of the Dexter holy grail, a deeper meaning and enlightenment as to why the show ended on such a Chucky Cheese note, I began to understand the theme of the season -Morality. Everyone has difference ideas as to what is right and wrong, and in many instances it is hard to discern one from the other i.e. Dexter killing criminals, Lumen hunting down her torturers or Quinn turning the other way to keep his relationship with Deb. Each character struggled with their own internal conflict between good and evil and in the end all made peace, each leaving the season carrying their own dark passenger. Hopefully next season all the dark passengers will try to hail a cab at the same time and chaos will break loose in the streets of Miami!

But, if I wanted a lesson about morality I would have watched Lifetime! Dexter is a murder, which I clearly know is wrong - thanks to Hebrew School and the Criminal Justice class I took in college! So murder away Dex! I already know how wrong it is. Are you assuming that most of your viewers don't? Was this season a CYA in case one of us tries to emulate Dexter's kill room?

I will put this season down to being educational, brushing me up on the ethical conflicts of everyday life. However the coping mechanisms of this group are not shining examples on how to endure your struggles i.e. serial killing, sleeping with a co-worker, hiring a PI, forcing your friends to torture pretty girls because you once where the fat kid at camp (seriously Jordan Chase, they could have found a better way to kill you, I think death by chocolate would have been appropriate)
Lastly and mostly I WANTED LUMEN TO DIE! Julia Stiles no I don't want to Save the Last Dance, and yes I do have 10 Things I hate About You.

Dex, I held my breath for 60 minutes, only to exhale and blow out a measly birthday candle.

"I guess serial killers do get to have their  (birthday) cake and eat it too" 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Despite Tabloid Reports - I Am Not DEAD!

Dear MHNC followers,

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my designer jeans for your continued loyalty even though I have  been totes MIA (not the musician, damn that girl dresses weird, total fashion suicide). And to the ladies that have rewarded my bad behaviour, you are all enablers, thank you I am honored!

So despite what you might think I am still breathing. I have not pulled a Tupac or Elvis, I have just started a new exciting job in the entertainment industry (gross, clean your mind). I am the new Tess McGill in my office, I am "cashing checks and breaking necks", "its the f-ing Catalina wine mixer" and I am dying for that corner office! I am lucky if I find the time to eat, sleep and take care of basic hygiene.

I promise as things become more routine, I will be back blogging harder than ever (gross, again! get it together!).

XO "Someone has to pay for these Loubies"

Friday, October 22, 2010

'The Lovely Stoned"

I managed to squeeze in some me time this afternoon, and since Netflix continues to be down (for what seems like an eternity, gaaw regular TV), I decided to peruse my DVR. Jackpot! Buried deep beneath 100 episodes of "Top Gear" and "How I Met Your Mother" I struck hidden chick flick treasure, "The Lovely Bones". Super excited I hit play and took a sip of my Coke Zero snuggling into the couch. I have not read the book (unbelievable I know), and had no idea what I was plunging myself into. All seemed pretty normal, until the little chick was murdered and then I started to feel weird. Staring at my soda I though someone at Coke must have laced a batch. It was like "Narnia" and "Ransom" had an awful messy drunken hook up and produced this film, which came out with a serious birth defect!

Oh Peter Jackson, I like a spaced out movie MORE than the next girl, and applaud your creativity. The visuals where "totally amazing dude",  but jeez, I seriously will NOT have what your are smoking, nightmares and crack cocaine, I presume! I was however, caught off guard by the ending. I was almost positive a hobbit was going to be the one to kill Stanley Tucci. Furthermore, I am very impressed that Mark Walberg has not served you a knuckle sandwich for enticing him to star in this "film". Lucky for you his anger management classes and new found love for the church must be working.

Watching this film was like waking up next to Dane Cook after a rough night of drinking, embarrassing & totally unsatisfying! Thanks Jackson, I will be billing you for 2.5 hours of my time.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Twittering Fool!

Kiss My Blue Ass

I successfully avoided Twitter for the last 2 years, watching it grow into it's own sovereign nation, but since I have not been working I felt the compelling need to start discussions with complete strangers. Unemployment did not force me to drink, smoke, shoplift or talk to the walls, it has driven me to TWEET!

I can't believe I have been missing out on several years of celebraties' irreverent thoughts, as well as the thrill of seeing people (who might infact be serial murders, yes you @Dexter) retweet and comment on my tweets. For some reason this makes me feel self righteous! Some rando thinks I am funny, how reassuring!

In the last week or so, I have download the Twitter App to my phone, and have development aches in my elbow joints from holding the phone for too long reading tweets all day. My vision is going, my ability to concentrate on anything other than Twitter is dwindling and the most pathetic of it all, last night I woke up at 4AM in excitement to check if I had any new followers, because in my dream I had just blown up on Twitter and I had bazillions of them... very disappointing when I found out I only had 5. 

According to Lindsey Lohan  Twitter addiction is a reality. She is getting treated for it as we speak at The Betty Ford Clinic. Wow that place will pretend to fix anything you make up for a buck! I bet Twitter was the reason she missed/was late for all her court dates -no seriously.

So after doing some important research here are some of my favorite signs you might be addicted to Twitter:

1. Beg your blog readers to follow you on twitter, then beg your Twitter followers to Retweet the tweet.
2. Keep searching for your twitter name and your tweets in real time twitter search
3. Keep refreshing the twitter page every second for new tweets.
4. Include your twitter profile in your Gmail signature instead� of your blog
5. Print your twitter id on business cards.
6. All of your friends’ names start with @
7. You name your newborn @babygirl1
8. You've seen a reduction in your cell phone minutes. You rarely talk to anyone anymore.
9. You wonder when the day comes that you will make your final exit and head to the pearly gates if anyone will be at your funeral...or will they just tweet it?
10. You wonder if all 10,000 of your followers actually showed up at your house what you would feed them.
11. You check your phone for Twitter updates when you aren't near your computer. If there are none you call your service provider to see if something is wrong.
12. You have blisters on your fingers from banging away at the keyboard so much.
13. You are afraid that if you go to eat lunch or dinner might miss something on Twitter, so you survive on anything that's portable -- like wine and candy.
14. You get all of your news from Twitter...and you believe it.
15. You like the word viral even though it sounds flu-ish.
16. You have a back up plan: if Twitter is down, you communicate on Facebook and vice versa. If both are down you take a Valium and pretend to like MySpace.
17. You sit in a room by yourself tweeting and you laugh. Out loud. A lot. You have even said, "Yes! Exactly" and nodded your head in agreement to many tweets.

You can see exactly how addicted you are by taking the following QUIZ.

I am  67% addicted only after 1 week! Screw you evil blue bird temptress, stop demanding that I follow you! You are laughing you way to the bank while millions become twittering fools! This might be the best terrorist plot yet! Who is watching the country? Even @BarackObama is busy tweeting!  

Please help feed (pun intended) my addiction by following me @cheeky_mouth.

"This ain't the singing Disney blue bird of happiness"

Monday, October 18, 2010

Personal Construction Over

Firstly my eggplant parm was an epic FAIL! I could hardly watch as Prince Charming grimaced and chewed away encouragingly. "Maybe just a few more minutes to cook, but great first try!" LIAR!I tasted my feet parm too. I did learn a valuable lesson (besides how to get rid of eggplant taste every time you burp),marriage is all about protecting your spouse's feelings when they suck at something the most. Oprah you might want to write those words of wisdom down for your next show and fax a copy to Courtney and David.

Last week I was totes MIA and I know I suck lemons, but I was not ignoring you all in vain. I was busy securing a wonderful fabulous new gig- corner office TBD.  Best of all I can now stop poisoning my husband and resort back to take-out every night. Not the solution many would come up with, but hey I am working with what my mama gave me, which did not included cooking lessons.

I promise to be reengaged this week with loads of bitchy posts and inappropriate comments for you to gawk at. Much love.  

"Looks like the castle is finally in sight"

Monday, October 11, 2010

Julia Childs' Worst Nightmare

Tonight I am cooking in the attempt to earn my keep! As I have mentioned in my passed posts, I have not been working for the better half of a month and, I am going nuts to say the least! I thought this was what I really wanted, once I got married, to be a housewife, sitting , laying, walking around looking pretty all day - one of my best talents. Unfortunately to my surprise it is not as glamorous at is sounds.

So I am taking up new hobbies, like cooking. I think it is about time I offer Prince Charming more than a variety of five dishes on regular rotation. He is out there working to the grind each day just to keep me happy, so I am ready to return the favor (in a new way)! Tonight I am starting out with cooking 101,
Eggplant Parmesan

Hopefully this dish is fool proof! Wish me luck! I will have Tums, Mylox, and Pepcid AC on hand should Prince Charming start to kill over...

Here's to new begininngs!

"Earning my keep in the castle is harder than it seems"

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Bunnies in Cups Should be Mandatory!

I DIE! So stinking cute and so compelling that I made Prince Charming take me to the pet store yesterday to play with the bunnies. I found a tan colored one and named him Peanut Butter - I love him, but he smells really bad and would clash with the new pumpkin spice scent radiating throughout my house. Sorry Peanut Butter guess you will have to find a owner with blocked sinus or no nose. Does Voldemort like bunnies? PeeU!

"I am going to stick with field mice, love you Gus!"

Monday, October 4, 2010

A Happy Potter Anniversary

My close friends are aware of my unnatural love for Harry Potter - it is not something I openly admit until I feel like we have reach a certain point in our friendship - like the point I know you will not burst out laughing and run out the door.  But if you happen to be standing next to me when my phone rings my secret is revealed- aaw Harry Potter theme music, magical every time! My obsession began when I saw the first 2 movies back to back and I was hooked. Drama, magic and intrigue what more can you ask for? This stuff gives daytime telly a run for it's money. Since then I frantically read all the books in the series and continue to enjoy Harry Potter movie marathons (thanks ABC Family). I am also grateful that Daniel Radcliffe has finally emerge from puberty and I no longer have to hide my crush on Harry in shame.

I am pretty sure I am not a total die hard wizarding weirdo and just have a healthy imagination and love for MAGIC Dumbledore style as I do not partake in the following:

I don't read the Leaky Cauldron, too often.
I don't listen to Wizard Rock, but I love singing nerds aka Weezer & Vampire Weekend
I did watch the documentary We are Wizards, but purely for social study purposes
I don't wear Harry Potter style clothing and my collection of J.Crew preppy stripped scarves do not count!
I don't openly search for Platform 9 3/4 at the metro station (unless something looks suspicious suggesting its existence)

So with great excitement it came to my attention that the stars will align for me in the month of November, bring together 2 of my loves - Harry Potter and Prince Charming (in no particular order of preference). Drumroll (dadadadah!)Harry Potter and The Deadly Hallows will be opening the weekend of my one year wedding anniversary in 3D IMAX! Even captain obvious knows what this means. We must go celebrate our anniversary at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando! Logical right?

I am grateful for Prince Charming who is planning to indulge me in this ridiculous wedding anniversary wish.  Am I nuts for trading tickets to Daniel Tosh and a night at a fancy downtown hotel for downing butter beer which I will promptly throw up on The Flight of the Hippogriff?


Saturday, October 2, 2010

A Haute Mess - Juicy Couture Catastrophy

Juicy Fields Forever - What the Haute?

  • Sigfried and Roy's wet dream
  • Looks like Satan is celebrating Easter this year
  • What a molesting Easter Bunny - look at all of his bastard offspring. This is why I am pro neutering.
  • The homeless of Wonderland
  • On the next episode of "Extreme Hoarders" ....
  •  I can hear time Tim Gunn screaming "Even I can't make this work!"
  • Alice in Wonderland + Woodstock + The Wizard of Oz + Hunter S. Thompson + The Beatles = Bad acid trip not new line of preppy girlie wear
  • I spy knock-off Chanel!
  • This is what happens when Freddy Kruger visits little girls dreams
  • Jordan Catalano are you lost again?
  • Way to divert our attention from the clothing
  • A dress up tea party for the committed - one sugar cube away from the insane asylum
  • Even John Lennon would not want to imagine this!
"Bring back my beloved sweat suites" - Cinderella

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sex, Lies & Vindication - Finale

I now had to make Sophie’s choice. Do I confront him or just hope he sticks with Plan A. My insides festered with anger, hurt, and uncertainty putting me into accusation auto pilot and plotting a course for collision. I was compelled towards addressing this situation head on.

The confrontation unfortunately did not bring any closure. It was followed by ten minutes of denial and then a trip to the bathroom, where reality reared its unwelcome head, along with leftover Ethiopian food. I had lost myself to a man that had to decide if he loved me or not by making a list. I took my final bow and end scene.

It took months of crying, anorexia and denial before I was able to move on thanks to him. Soon after we broke up he married the other girl on the list – Miss Plan B. It was really at this point that I had no option, but to toughen up and back away from the couch and my robust collection of velour sweat suits. It had taken a liar for me to see the truth. Love for the catalyst was no deeper than pen to paper, but I had learned to love myself - A small price (and an Emmy worthy performance) to pay for self actualization.

So don’t show up late or not at all for a self examination. The price can be costly. Ask yourself the age old question “who am I?” and not in the sense of “what am I doing here?” and “what is the universe” leave that up to Stephen Hawkings. Start small with “who am I?” and “how do I project myself inwards and to those surrounding me?” Whatever you are feeling and whoever you are make sure you are being genuine to others, but more importantly yourself.

Avoid the toilet bowl in life. Stay true to yourself and you will find you where always the princess you believed you where, just stronger, smarter and more beautiful than you ever gave yourself credit for. Therefore remove your costume and star as yourself! You don’t even have to audition you already have the lead role.

"Who knew there was a princess underneath all those rags?" - Cinderella

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Sex, Lies & Vindication (Part 2)

The winds of destiny where blowing that faithful night and I chose my snobbiest ensemble (inside and out) attracting exactly what I deserved. A shallow personality, good looks and a bank roll the size of a Jay Leno’s head.

Stars swirled around me; I was unconscious, drunk and smitten. People say it hits you when you least expect it and boy I could never have seen this one coming. My drug of choice was LOVE! I was addicted to it and like most chemicals; it clouded my judgment, stunted my growth, and lead me to partake in acts I am not proud of. My self identity was starving for a reoccurring role with infinite nights on Broadway and the trophy wife was my Cats. Little did I know that the curtain would close before I could even reach my final act and that my dream role would turn into a nightmare staring “Prince Charming” as a crazy person wearing a black and white stripped sweater and yielding a fist full of lies.

I never really understood the phrase “keeping up appearances”. Probably because it was coined after me (always that last to know that society is gossiping behind my back). From the outside my “perfect” relationship was flourishing, but from the inside it was rotting like a piece of fruit in the sun. And while the flies had already started circling I was too distracted by the sweet fermenting smell to even notice the mold.

So why was I so blind to all of this? My catalysis never spoke of his unhappiness; he paid attention to me when he felt like it, and when he did not he bought me a shiny new toy to deflect my attention. I was only in my twenties. Aren’t these the types of relationships reserved for old married people who are cheating on each other and are no longer in love?

I continued to be his lap dog until my women’s intuition finally broke through the silence. She had been screaming for months, but my ears where blocked and my eyes glazed over like jelly donuts. Something was not right, but I never expected my life to turn into an episode of the “Bold & Beautiful”. He was Latin, really what was I thinking? I had watched Telemundo before: drama, screaming, tears and flying furniture. Strangely enough my catalysis showed about as much emotion as a vampire celebrating yet another birthday.

The paranoid behavior transformed me into what I now know is the true definition of a trophy wife - a CSI agent. I knew my degree in Criminal Justice would come in handy! I launched a full on investigation into his email, mail, wallet, pants, voicemail, and any other storage device I could get my little Nancy Drew hands on. Unfortunately I found exactly what I was looking for. My alleged “Prince Charming” was keeping his options open and was quite the methodical thinker, Maybe not smart enough to cover his tracks, but wise enough to put together a pro’s and con’s list of staying in a relationship with me.

Oprah would be so proud of your MAN journal. So there lying before me I was confronted by a tiny piece of paper listing out scenarios for my possible future including all of my attributes (and there where many) as well as all my flaws (only one or two). But the image that burned a hole in my heart was the other girl’s name listed besides mine – Miss Plan B.

(Part 3 will be posted tomorrow)

"Liar, Liar, Designer Pants on Fire" - Cinderella

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Sex, Lies & Vindication (Part 1)

In the event that you find yourself staring face down into a toilet bowl with your newly announced ex-lover starting at the back of your head, and not affectionately I might add, ask yourself “When was the last time you performed a self examination?”

I caught my first glimpse of reality in a swirly vomit induced hurricane and it socked me right in the kisser! Surprisingly this is where many of my favorite 12 step programmers begin their journey of self evaluation and hopefully mental repair. Alcoholics, anorexics, and drug addicts often find themselves gazing into the loo, like a smelly crystal ball, thinking “this is it, time for change!” Others see this as a challenge to defy nature and keep trucking down the path of destruction. Unfortunately many of these folks land up dead in an undisclosed hotel room or sharing a rehab cell with Lindsey Lohan. Luckily for me this was my point of epiphany and exactly where my journey of self understanding began.

Reality checks often happen at critical points in one’s life and can arrive in the form of divine intervention. Most times desperately need to destroy the dense fog of delusion that looms over one’s head. In my case I was “sowing the seeds of love” in a barren field.

The catalyst for my change (and I will call him that because it is truly the nicest thing I can say about him without inserting a four letter word) arrived in my life for a “usual” Friday night dinner at my parent’s house. Dinner at my house is somewhat of a theatrical performance and I was careful to pick out the perfect leading role and matching outfit for the evening. I liked to be just controversial enough to entertain our guests. I have a slight problem with attention, I have to have it.

I stood in front of the mirror pondering, “Who should I be tonight?” The pseudo intellectual daughter, the daughter suffering from an onset of late teenage angst or my favorite stereotype to perpetuate the Jewish American Princess(what’s wrong with acting rich and self entitled?). All where characters I was perfectly comfortable playing. Changing my persona was as easy as putting on a new pair of underwear, which I did at least once or twice a day. In my opinion I was so Hollywood, but to a more discerning eye I was struggling with a bout of schizophrenia or in layman’s terms a lack of self identity.

My performance that night would be accompanied by my sister’s portrayal of an overachiever; my father, who just had to pretend he liked you, and my mother, who loved to tell a good story (and good often meant heavily embellished). “The art of telling an interesting story is a blessing and a strong trait that runs in our family; it just makes life more interesting!” Lucky me if anything I would grow up to find myself an artist of white lies and tall tales. Maybe I would get a job in Vegas?

(Working on my writing skills, part 2 will be posted tomorrow)

"This is no fairytale"- Cinderella

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Redic Cute! I want this NOW!

Real Housewife VS. Working Girl

So I have recently moved on in my career and am looking forward to the next chapter in my working life. Hopefully it will land me a corner office with a view in which I will lay on my expensive leather couch watching daytime television while demanding that my assistant brings me green tea lattes every 55 minutes (why round up?). Awww the "American Dream" I love this country!

Right now I am exploring all my options and in the interim experiencing the life of an Atlanta Housewife. Unfortunately I am not able to dedicate my day to shopping at Phipps Plaza, lunching at Saks, and finding out who my real farther might be while feuding with my best friend NeNe (your name might be the stem to all your problems in life that and your mini jumpsuits and thighs big enough to feed Africa). My days are filled with doing the dishes, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, grocery shopping and laying at the pool drinking ice tea. Not bad, but substitute the pool for a Tupperware party and I am living in the 1950's.

Time to  find a job or have a baby, so I have someone to talk to during the day. I definitely think the cleaning ladies at the gym are close to impaling me with their Swiffers if I don't stop trying to chat them up while I sweat and pant on the treadmill.I need human interaction!

So what would you rather be a "Working Girl" or a "Real Housewife"? I think if I applied my competitive nature to my life as a housewife, I might drive myself to the edge of insanity. Seriously I would lead myself down an ugly road of "best time" Olympics for vacuuming, loading the dishwasher and folding laundry. At least once I have kids I can peg them against each other and take bets. Also what would the cash prize be? A cup of tea and some homemade cookies I need dollar bills yo. An incentive other them my husband's love for my Teriyakie chicken. I am defiantly going with Working Girl till the kids arrive.

I guess I should stop blogging/bitching and start looking for an actual job. Unless someone wants to publish me? I am available for hire! Give me a break. You know I am good and people like me - SHAMELESS I know (and don't care).

Wish me luck, I hope to be the next Jen Lancaster by lunchtime and the next Tess MGill by the end of the week.

"Washing floors and scrubbing fire places is so Never Neverland, I have my eye on castle management" - Cinderella

Friday, September 17, 2010

New Shiny Award!

Thank you to the wonderful Evelyn from "The Adventures of Super Spice" for the lovely award! I am so appreciative when my readers show their love! I am paying it forward and giving this award to some of my new fav blogs:

Much love and happy FRIDAY!


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Gossip Girl Premiere - De Ja Vu??

A cup of Chai tea, my fav pj's, pink head band (of course)! and some Godiva chocolates - Check, check & check! I was as ready as a wasted sorority girl to watch the Gossip Girl season debut last night, unfortunately I think I was more prepared then the show's writers.

(spoiler alert)....

The opening was tre' wonderful and full of promise: designer shops, petite fours, fancy dress, lovin' it! I swear I could just watch Blair acting bitchy, rich, and self entitled for an entire hour and feel fulfilled. However, we are quickly flung from pish posh Paris right back into the dirty reality of NYC's upperside- Oh no! Suprise suprise, someone has a big secret, someone is missing (why does it always have to be CB, can't Dan disappear ), someone is lying about their identity...blah blah blah. Anyone else have a cold case of I have seen this all before or what the French like to call de ja vu? (or maybe there is just a glitch in the matrix).

I can only assume from the season previews that Chuck Bass has contracted a wicked case of amnesia, not the worst thing he can harvest from a sea of European women. Well he must be out of his mind to be wearing those hippie clothes. Henry Prince (CB's new amnesia name) I don't think I am going to like you!  A down to earth, appreciative Chuck Bass - BLECH! This is not what I tune in for! I can't stand to see Chuck wearing an outfit that is less than preppy and ridiculous! How can I channel "stuck up" and "privileged" when staring at Garth Brooks' look alike? Geez.  

So who thinks "Georgina's" baby is actually Dan's? Not I. I think she is involved with the Russians in a baby smuggling scheme? Snooze! How many more times are these fools going to fall for her trickery and why are they still letting her in the door? Resent your invitation, see if that works on demons!

I am not even going to discuss Nate's new storyline. How trifling! A crazy stalker pretending to be a rich society girl. As original as a LV on Canal Street.

I am trying to remain optimistic that the show will twist off into a meaningful and deep storyline and really bring it this season. But maybe I am just starting to see the show's true colors now that the glamouring effects of Chuck Bass are gone. Bring him back or I  might have to say:

"XO F OFF Gossip Girl!" - Cinderella

Monday, September 13, 2010

VMA's - Serving Up Some Cooked Snooki

Anyone else think Snooki looked like a rotisserie chicken last night at the VMA's? Thanks for jumping out of rotation to join the show. Did you just under go race reassignment surgery? 

A nicely browned chicken

and J Biebs looks totes confused, sexually - Take a look can you tell the difference?

J Biebs

Hilary Swank

"Where is my award for blog of the year? Move over Perez, now that you have lost all that weight there is room for both of us!" XO Cinderella

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

XOXO Gossip Girl Season 4 Preview!

Premiers Monday night! I can not wait to see Chuck work his way through Europe! J'adore!



Friday, September 3, 2010

The True Death! Trueblood Season Finale

The Trueblood season finale is only 1 short week away! I guess times flies when you are staring at Eric's abs and watching Russell spiral downward into complete lunacy. As the season comes to a rapid end I can only assume (in true Alan Ball style) the body count is going to start escalating faster than my appetite when confronted by a Cinnabon to the face.

Rumor is a major character is going to meet their maker (most likely the devil given this town's idea of fun), and I can only hope it is going to be Tara. I seriously can not take her doe eyed, teary faced, lip biting any more. I hope Franklin rises from the dead (remember they buried his remains -big mistake) and rips her freaking groveling head off. This will put both Tara and I out of our misery -problem solved!

The candidates who I think are "dead ringers" for death this season are:

Tommy - Sam's revolting brother. The boy needs serious anger management rehab, him and Mel Gibson could be biffies. I nominate Sam to kill him during a hardcore dog fit and you can throw their mom into the ring while you are at it!

Pam - She might sacrifice herself to save Eric. Girl you love that man too much, it is dangerous! But hey I can't blame you!

Jessica - Hoyt might have to kill her to save himself. She is now totally bat sh*t crazy about drinking his blood and might not be able to control those raging teenage hormones. On the other hand Summer and Hoyt's mom might drive a steak through her heart - not a great way to entice a man to marry you, jealousy not attractive and neither is your virginity.

Russell - He is no doubt going to burn in the sunlight, I just wish he would do so while grasping onto his chaffing dish of Talbot stew!

Arlene - She just tried to abort Renee's evil baby. This might mean war and the baby could kill her from within. If it is a vamp maybe it will eat its way out - EEW I just grossed myself out!

Jesus - He is tots a demon, I think LaLa is going to open a can of gay diva drug dealer on his ass. Maybe he will choke him with a pair of fishnets and hang it up by a boa in the town square. Just in time to be part of the Christmas decorations.

DYING to know who you think is going to BITE the dust?

XO Cinderella

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

A Princess Amongst Frogs!

A trip to the mall on Saturday afternoon with Prince Charming - PRICELESS. People watching at the food court with the locals - $20.00 for lunch and the worst runway show of my life.

Tommy Hilfiger and Ralph Lauren our forefathers of American fashion would "pop their preppy collars" if they saw what the average American looks like while shopping at the mall. Is there a sanction against mirrors in this country? When did the nation stop caring about what they looked like? Do we get to blame George Bush for this as well?

Just because we are in a recession people does not mean you have to look like you have given up all hope and in many cases opted to wear less clothing. Dressing skanky only makes you look like you can't afford to cover your body (or a lady of the night trying to turn some tricks at the mall in return for an Auntie Ann's Pretzel and a new pair of Forever 21 shoes). Lets class it ups ladies please for the sake of my sandwich, which I was trying to keep down while watching you flutter by like the next Lady Gaga.

Let's break is down:

  • Dress your age - Cougars in jumpsuites you know who you are, if its sold in the Junior's department its not for you!
  • Show off your best assets - not your ass
  • Sweatpants in public not okay - I also do not need to know if your ass is "juicy" or "hot"
  • Socks with sandals - shut up!
  • If your clothes are see thru so are your intentions - you are asking for it!
  • Brush that hair - if you are not sporting a hair "do" the creepy foreign guy selling ghetto hot irons will continue to harass you till you get it together (and rightfully so)
  • You do not need to use your entire body as a showcase for all the current trends - pick one per outfit
  • If you feel discomfort from your tight pants, we feel the same way looking at you - go for one size bigger you will look thinner and nobody sees what size you are wearing!
  • Fashion is supposed to make you look good - so don't go for pieces that make you look like you are part of the living dead. Yes comfort is important, but comfort does not equal a pair of Tevas and a sweat shirt - Cole Haan makes perfectly cute shoes with Nike air soles,fashionable and easy to wear
  • Your man is you most important accessory, if his outfit is not making you swoon how do you expect to make all the other girls and boys out there jealous-give him alittle guidance I am sure he will appreciate the input.
Ok so next time you leave the house look in a mirror and think if I saw someone wearing this outfit at the mall would I make fun of them? Coco Chanel lived by the motto: "Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and remove one accessory" I think this is something we all should practice everyday, its the least you can do to help beautify America.

"So many frogs if I kissed them all would I be considered a hussy!" - Cinderella

Sunday, August 29, 2010

A Letter to Ronnie (Bloomingdale's Fairy Gay Mother)

Dear Ronnie,

While hitting up the sales a few weeks ago at Bloomies, (you know it is a recession when everything is an additional 40% off, I felt like a teenager with backstage passes to a Twilight convention) I was deeply saddened to find out you are no longer a part of the Bloomingdale's family. I immediately felt like protesting and taking a stand by turning in my resignation and snapping my well earned silver card in two, but unfortunately the ramifications of a divorce with Bloomingdale's was too painful to process. Who would get all the brown bags in the settlement?

Ronnie (or on some days Ronald) I will sincerely miss you waving me into the store asking “girl what you doing here” (umm shopping) like you where surprised to see me and I was just “popping” in for tea unannounced or something. I look back at all that we went through:

You helping me pick out new more appropriate designer jeans to wear in a pick up truck (yes Prince Charming does drive a truck, but we live in the South what where you expecting – at least is does not have gun rack that is where I draw the line). You did not make fun of me for ripping the crotch trying to swing into the truck like I was at a rodeo. You just said calmly (like all girls have this problem) “get the cargo Rock & Republics instead of the ones with rhinestones on the butt. Rhinestones are not appropriate for riding in a truck” – sage advice

I will miss our trips down to the beauty department so that you can sign me up for specials and have the free gifts delivered to my house even when I did not make the minimum purchase. Do you know how much joy you bring to a girl when she receives a box full of free cosmetic samples from Bloomingdale's! Thanks for helping me pull the wool over the cosmetics lady's eyes more than once – your scripted conversations you divulged to me as we rode down the escalator together always worked! I flelt like we where playing out a scene from "The Grifters" - I am pretty sure you wanted to be both Anjelica Huston and Annette Bening.

Finally when it came down to shopping for dresses for my wedding you kept me in check. Although I am pretty sure you have never been to a Synagogue before, being a flaming black man, you constantly reminded me what was appropriate for the “grannies at the Temple”, and when you asked me if all the “Jewish grannies stand in the back of the temple and smoke cigarettes” I swear I loved you more.

So I hope you are out there making some other princesse's shopping dreams come true, and in the one in a million chance you read this, remember me and the time you said “what are you doing here, look at you, you should be getting a facial and that hair cut!” Thanks tact was never wasted on you.



“Bitch I know you took my other glass slipper when you left” – Cinderella

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Mediums or Just Large Liars!

After a long day at my dead end job and a late night trip to Starbucks, I finally crawled into bed and click on the TV. To my delight a new HBO documentary on a town of mediums (psychic or psychos whichever you’d prefer) was just about to begin – perfect timing, or is it meant to be?

The Little town of Lilly Dale in upstate New York claims to have the highest population per capita of registered mediums in the world. I quickly want to know how they came up with that measurement. Did they survey the underworld? I wonder if Charon, the boatman, uses a people counter as he ushers them down the river Styx into the portal of Hades.

So people travel from all over America (dare I say the world) to visit this Disneyland of the Dead hoping to meet with one of the many spiritual reverends (yes!)and get the answers they are looking for from their dead friends. Seriously in bumble F America you are seeking the truth to life?

I force myself to keep an open mind and watch diligently to see if these mediums can actually deliver. I am quickly surprised to learn that many of these mediums are in fact men. Am I being sexist? I thought mediums are women and genies are dudes (or Xtina, who is close enough to a dude to pass this generalization).

As I watched the first subject walk into his reading, I observe right away that he is wearing a dog tag with this son’s picture in it; At this point I can only assume the genie excuse me medium does to. I am observant. The genie blurts out “Right away I can tell there is a presence of a child standing behind you and he wants you to know that he is happy and did not feel any pain”, okay I wait for the next big revelation??? His name, the day he died, info only this dude would know – something! It never came! The subject was so excited by this vague news he quickly explained how his son had been killed and that he is the one he is looking to speak with. The subject continues to be blown away that rev. medium genie knew this information. REALLY – you gave it up in five minutes with your bout of Montezuma’s of the mouth. Also in case you are blind; you are wearing your son’s picture around your neck!!!

Okay so one dope in a town full of mediums, maybe the next medium has got it going on. She begins by explaining that she is like a "human telephone to the dead” (girl if you have AT&T you are in for a rough connection)and speaking with the dead is a two way conversation. If you don’t respond the dead with hang up on you, rude!. By "respond" she clearly means - give me all the details first so I can make up some bullsh”t to blow your mind with.

At this point I turn it off and decide to take my chances making a spiritual connections with the dead in my sleep. Last night is when I had my first out of body experience. Am I being punished by the consortium of mediums? Do they have my number? Whatever! I have known for years that my signal is slightly off, good luck trying to reach me!

Learn more at:

“Fairy godmother, I asked for a Bentley not a pumpkin, get your connection checked!” - Cinderella

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Diagnosis: Vacationitus


  • You need a night cap every night and your definition of "night" keeps getting earlier and earlier in the day.

  • Your idea of a mini vacay is turning your phone off for 5 minutes just to get some peace and quiet.

  • You spend way to much money on body cream, bath bombs and other Lush products just so you can create a spa in your bathroom & get away in the evenings.

  • You feel like you are crawling through the work day like a hung over college student trying to stay awake during a 3 hour econ lecture.

  • Coffee is not enough!

  • Your mind is as sharp as a wet noodle.

  • You let other people win arguments just so they will just shut up!

  • Your hair is frazzled and you have LARGE Bloomingdale's bags under your eyes and you don't even care!

  • You book a vacation 2 months out and put off everything important until after you are scheduled to return (2 months is a long time to check out of life unless you are in rehab or prison).

  • You truly believe all your problems and maybe even the world's could be solved if you could just getaway for a few minutes.
Treatment: 4 days at the beach with Prince Charming.

"Can I get arrested for writing my own prescriptions?" - Cinderella

Monday, August 16, 2010

Shiny New Awards!!

I am super duper excited to get my first set of AWARDS from the wonderful Kim of A Spicy Boy, A Cat & My Fat Ass - Her blog is so awesome and I am so appreciative she recognized mine with the following:

I am thrilled to be passing on these awards to other blogs I heart! We're supposed to tell 7 things about ourselves and then pass on the awards to the blogs of our choice. Here we go:

1. I hate to cook. Poor Prince Charming, but happy Sushi joint down the road.

2. I truly do have an opinion about everything.

3. I have only been blogging for about a month, but loving it! Thanks for all the love!

4. Might have a slight obsession with True Blood - if you have been reading that should be no surprise.

5. I only buy things that are discounted, conveniently in my world a 10% discount counts as a sale.

6. I never thought I would marry a southern boy, but now I love big trucks!

7. I am trying to write a novel! OY VEY!

Here are the fab blogs I am passing on the blog bling too:


obviously marvelous

True Blood: Who's Smoking the Fairy Dust?

With each new episode of the season I find myself questioning True Blood’s authenticity? Which I know is ridiculous when the premise of the show is that vampires and a cornucopia of other creepy creatures live amongst us. But the more outlandish it becomes the less pleased I am! Weird how our perception of reality only takes us so far before something becomes completely implausible. I guess my threshold for fantasy meeting reality stops at werewolves? Vampires, shifters, maynards, telepaths all fine, but fairies pu-lease who believes in those?

The show definitely walks a thin (and I mean dental floss thin) line between reality and fantasy, and as of late has done so beautifully, aiding in my belief that most of what is happening in the show is real including Eric’s amazing abs! Let's be honest he must be downing a delicious Roidtini daily!

Last night this thin line was disintegrated by fairy dust. "Everything was broken" including my delusions of reality. Bill’s entry into fairyland robbed the show IMHO of  it's credibility and darkness. What is next unicorns, Leprechauns and magical rainbow rides?

Clearly the left side of my brain rules my body, math and logic don't make regular appearances in my control tower, so I am definitely intrigued by all the universe has to offer, but fairies are just too Disney. I must admit I tend to favor the existence of nightmarish creatures, this is potentially why I don’t sleep most night as I am still dreaming of Freddy Kruger busting through my door.

I do love love love Talbot's new digs, a Waterford crystal earn! Fancy! I can only hope Russell will be prancing around with his Talbot fruit salad for the remainder of the season!

Are you smoking the fairy dust? What is your reality to fantasy threshold?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Shut-Up! It's Saturday Morning!!!

Who takes their kids swimming at 7AM ? I just woke up with the rings of Saturn around my eyes due to spending the wee hours of the morning trying to sleep with 2 little kids screaming"mamma, mamma, maamma" over and over again. They even penetrated my dreams, as I found myself laying at the pool with  my sister and a headache. Thank goodness they finally switched up their shrieks with what I could only make out to be Spanish nursery rhymes. It took all the power of my good conscience (I think the little version of myself with angels wings on my shoulder died of exhaustion) not to open my balcony door and yell "SHUT UP!" But I realize karma is a bitch and I will be the one with the screaming kid soon. Lord have mercy!

It is time to buy a house, I am done playing well with others.

"I now understand why the big bad wolf wanted to eat Little Red Riding Hood" - Cinderella

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Menu for Happiness

Wine with sparkles of course!
True Blood, True Blood and more True Blood
Bethany Getting Married – Look at that pregnant bitch!
Beach Vacations - As long as it is not in Georgia. I like my beach to provide a tropical experience

Fresh Meat:
Cocktails with Patrick on Sirius XM – Holla at Ya Boy!
Ross Mathews - I wish he would be my GBF, is there such a thing as GayDate? I swear he is so gay when he talks rainbows come out of his mouth
Harry Potter – I am a total nerd, the theme song is my ringtone. Don't judge I am just imaginative

Weight Watcher Friendly:
Skinny jeans – the darker the better, they make my legs disappear
Sushi for breakfast, lunch & dinner and don’t stinge on the spicy mayo!
Saying “I am fat” at least 20 times a day! Prince Charming says he is going to start a swear jar

Deserts/ Guilty Pleasures:
Give me Attention - no PR is bad PR!
Sugar Free Comedians i.e. Daniel Tosh, Louis CK and Chelsea Handler – tell it like it is kids
Tell me I am gorgeous/beautiful – Say it, I don’t care if it’s true or not!
Sales at Bloomies – okay sales anywhere, but Bloomies make me dizzy!

Today's Special:
Prince Charming telling me how glorious I am, while cooking dinner and giving me a back massage.

I am not demanding I am just definite. Now who’s taking my order?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dating in the Dark: You Have A Great Personality, But Your Fugly!

The new season of Dating in the Dark is here, and I am as giddy as a school girl! I am not one who even mildly enjoys shows like the Bachelor/Bachelorette, but I do love a good dating game with a sick twist, i.e. Joe Millionaire, Beauty and the Geek and the best yet Mr. Personality. So naturally I love Dating in the Dark. It is dramatic and provides me with instant gratification, just how I like it! No need to waste 3 months waiting to find out who is going home with someone and who is just going home crying.

Dating in the Dark puts 2 sets of strangers, 3 male and 3 female in a house for the equivalent of weekend. Long enough to find true love right? Here is the catch, they are not allowed to see each other with the lights on and can only conduct their dates in a room darker than the edge of space.

Ultimately they have to win over the heart of their compatible match with their personalities, but like for most  guys personality is not quite enough and it is hilarious watching them try to sneak an indiscreet flubber examine - Its pretty obvious that when a guy asks to feel your face he is checking for neck fat not how smooth your skin is!

Last night Joey was concerned about landing up with a "floater", who I quote "might blow up like a tick". Needless to say he went home alone. A fat chick is better than no chick loser. Take your chest hairs back to Jersey, you (and Jersey Shore) are giving the nice people of your state a bad name.

After 3 dates they are revealed in the light to the person they have pick,(and who many of the desperate women has deemed their soul mate)! The reveal is always so uncomfortable to watch, it is like staring straight into the sun!

Finally once they have seen each other in the light, the show sets up the contestants for one final blow. The guy is asked to show up to meet the girl. Way to set yourself up for rejection on National TV. The girl must wait anxiously praying like a nerd on prom night for her date to show up. Most times the girl is left mortified knowing that her alleged "soul mate" thought she was fugly along with all of America. Good luck trying to get this girl to now date in the light!  This can't be easy for someone who already seemed as emotionally stable as a teenager with a meth addiction. 

Out of all this the "thoughtfully deep" lesson ABC is trying to convey to America is: Looks should not matter! To bad in most instances it backfires. We are America of course looks matter! Have you not seen Doctor 90210, The Swan or Extreme Makeover, most of which air on your network? I am so confused??? I will try not to be too shallow while getting a boob job because I can't find true love. Sheesh!

Be sure to check out Dating in the Dark on ABC at 10PM Monday nights.

"Finding Prince Charming with the lights on was hard enough" - Cinderella

Monday, August 9, 2010

I've Got a Case of The Mondays!

I woke up covered in Mosquito bites from head to toe! It must have been from lying at the pool in the evening. So much for trying to avoid the sun and skin cancer. This little bugger bit me everywhere even in the unmentionables - what a perv! He drained me of so much blood that he probably had to go direclty to a weight watchers meeting! Or maybe he was just inspired by the latest episode of True Blood ? YUCK I am itchy!!

Then my flat iron broke! Great now I get to have bed head all day! Wonderful if I was trying to rock the "I am in my twenties and still wearing my clothes from the night before to the office” look.

A great way to start the week. Covered in what looks like adult body acme with hair that would not even be excusable in the 80’s. Phhht! I look like I have a horrible bout of puberty!

What’s your manic Monday beef?


Friday, August 6, 2010

It's a Friday Blog Party! And I Want to Be the Bell of the Ball!

Smart and Trendy Momsfriday-followbadge

Have a Toshtastic Weekend!!

Binge and Splurge! The Real Housewives of D.C.

The much anticipated season premiere of the Real Housewives of D.C. aired last night. I decided to watch as I thought nothing could be as gut wrenchingly painful as the New Jersey season, and I also love D.C. having attend College there.

I was wrong! This show is painful in a whole new way! These bitches are starving and not for money, but for a damn Happy Meal! I could hardly follow the storyline (if there was any) due to my sick fascination with how thin these chicks were. As a Jewish woman it hurt me to see someone look so malnourished. I felt instantly completed to force a brisket down each of their throats!

Serious at some point in a girl’s life being stick thin like skeletor makes you look old as dirt, and these women look as ancient as Egyptian Mummies. In fact being bandaged from head to toe might be a better look for them to consider. They are all in desperate need of a stiff injection to the face of Oprah’s butt fat! They are so horribly thin that their eyeballs look like they are going to roll out of their sockets onto the floor. EAT!!! You live in DC not L.A. nobody cares; most politicians are fat, bald and drunk anyway.

Lynda Erkiletian
Michaele Salahi
Also what is with the flaming husband in Pucci pants??? Last night he was voted a “fashion trendsetter” by Washingtonian Magazine. Honey buy yourself a ticket to Broadway or at least hook up with the out of place Ms. Jay wanna be. I am undecided about returning next week to watch what I have deemed “Gross Anatomy!"Will you be watching’?

"Bakers man bakers man bake these bitches a cake as fast as you can!" - Cinderella

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bath Bombs are the Business

There is no better way (IMHO) to pamper yourself after a long day than by taking a bubble bath. I have been treating myself to these for as long as I can remember, shutting out the world, lighting a candle, reading a book and listening to spa tunes on Pandora. The perfect way to end my day on a note of Zen.

My ideal water temperature is cooking! (It must be my Russian blood). Prince Charming says I look like a red lobster boiling in a pot of bubble soup! Attractive I know! At least I am not letting out a silent scream! EEK!

A few months ago one of my besties gave me some amazeballs for my birthday (not those kind of balls, gross ladies) LUSH bath bombs and they are DA BOMB no joke. They come in all shapes, sizes, colors and smells and most of the time I feel like Molly Shannon smelling them obsessively before finally convincing myself to drop them in the water verses stuffing them in my mouth. But that is just the icing on the cake aside from the intoxicating smell each one has a wondrous surprise inside. Last night I was funfettied with hearts! I felt like I was finally getting the ending I deserved to my long day. A parade in my honor!

Below are a few of my favs, try them out I promise there is no looking back once you hop into a tub of adornment and are showered with glitter! You'll feel like you just won Ms. America!

For those of you who don't have a LUSH store near you, you can buy these FBOMBS (fabulous bombs) at

Here are a few of my favs!
Sex Bomb
Whip your clothes off for this ultra sexy
 Bath Bomb of seduction!  

Fairy Jasmine
 For those that love glitter an
the intoxicating fragrance of jasmine

Think Pink
A pink candy-topped treat
with intoxicating tonka bean
absolute and a sweet vanilla fragrance

Please send your Thank You notes to….JK ENJOY!!!

After a long day of scrubbing floors there is nothing better than soaking in a hot bucket of sudsy water” – Cinderella

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Fashion Drought! I am Parched!

The depression recession is finally trickling down the fashion food chain to a mall near you. I feel like I am back in the desert and it is not even close to Passover!

Prince Charming and I were part of the fortunate few who were not negatively affected by this ugly time in our country's history. So having our regular incomes in a society where everything was on sale, well was like being a housewife at an “All You Can Inject Botox Party”. Everything had to get remodeled, especially my closet!

In 2009 stores by the handful faced the reality of being stuck with excess merchandise and no way to alleviate themselves of their abundant baggage. So the markdowns began!!!  Those of us who could shop quickly worked ourselves into a mad frenzy (think Tasmania devil!). I could not believe the bargains I was getting, even embarrassed to pay so little for big designer brands! I reveled in the misfortune of the retail world! Finally I could look like a million bucks without having to spend it!!! My obsession developed quickly and possessed me like the poltergeist of a fashion victim. I wanted to find bargains everywhere, Bloomies, Saks, Niemen’s, JCREW. I ran the gamut, I was is a battle against time to snatch up all the glorious stuff humanly possible before this wondrous time ended.

Well my friends my clock just zeroed out! Unfortunately the merchandise well has run dry! I don’t think I  drained it completely by myself, but it is entirely possible! I have come to the end of my rainbow, there is no new fashion left to be bought on sale. And worse yet there seems like there is nothing new coming down the pipelines! Is the faucet in my city empty? I need a plumber ASAP! Where is Tim Gunn when you need that bitch! What am I going to wear? It feels like I have been starring at the same clothes on the rack and in my closet for six months and I refuse to pay full price for anything again!

I need rehab or a time machine so I can reboot my shopping habits back to their original settings; maybe Lindsey will let me share her cell.

“I need more discounted designer slippers or I will scream” – Cinderella

Monday, August 2, 2010

Trueblood – Truly Revolting! (Spoiler Alert!)

It is hard not to take notice of the amped up gore factor on True Blood over the last two weeks, unless maybe if you are dead on the inside. It has geared up from the occasional bleeding wound and severed head to a full on “bleed out” feast! I get it Alan Ball, you need to keep upping your game. After all it is not TV it is HBO, but seriously this is getting out of control.

Over the last 2 episodes vampires, werewolves, shifters and now fairies (yes I know), get bludgeoned on the head, drained within an inch of their lives, impaled, shot, tortured with Tiffany’s earrings, and run over by vehicles of all shapes and sizes. And yes we are only 6 episodes in, what is coming next? I am taking bets the last episode of the season will include a mass grave digging in Bon Temps just to dispose of all the bodies!

It has become so vial that I have taken to eating Sunday dinner early just so I don't barf while I am shoveling down steak or worst yet some type of ground meat – I swear I can taste the blood and bones crunching and I feel no better than a vamp with an insatiable taste for human meat/blood. I do often laugh while eating meat and watching this show, I definitely feel it is the appropriate choice! Like drinking a martini while watching Sex and The City.

Also let’s discuss the ridiculousness of all these new types of mythical redneck freaks that keep walking into town. Why are so many frequenting Bon Temps? Is there a bottomless well of free Budweiser? Or a sale on tractor trailers? At least in Buffy they explained that the school was built on top of the portal to hell – a plausible explanation.

I am super confused I thought the show was a "realistic" look at how vampires live within our society and function as part of the “regular” human race, well most of them at least. Of course there are those old school vamps who want to prey on the human race and take over the universe – high hopes for a zombie with an attitude!

Now we are learning there are many more types of crazy mythical creatures that live amongst us. I guess it is mildly acceptable in a world where vampires exist, but lately I feel like I am watching a pornographic version of World of Warcraft. Where will the line be drawn? It is more common for folks in Bon Temps or any of its adjacent parishes to have a crazy “dark” secret than to just be a normal human being.

Oh and Sookie is a fairy!! And now that Bill has drained her of her blood and “light” he is part fairy too! A Vampairy? Fairvampi?? WTF this is getting too complex and convoluted! I feel like I need to do some V so I can be high enough to believe the sh”t this show is shoveling out.

“This is more disturbing than watching Beauty and the Beast make out!" – Cinderella


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