Sunday, December 19, 2010

DEXTER Season Finale: Enlightment vs. Impailment

A week later and I am still walking around pissed off and let down by the Dexter Season Finale. Season 4 ended with my jaw dropping on the floor, which I understand it is a tough act to follow, but seriously a kid's birthday party? The total opposite to finding your wife murdered in the bath tub, no? Where is the suspense in ending on Dexter blowing out Harrison's birthday candle? The only thing I was left guessing about was the flavor of the cake and if Angel feed in to Laguerta while saying something sexually dirty.

After reading several blogs and articles in search of the Dexter holy grail, a deeper meaning and enlightenment as to why the show ended on such a Chucky Cheese note, I began to understand the theme of the season -Morality. Everyone has difference ideas as to what is right and wrong, and in many instances it is hard to discern one from the other i.e. Dexter killing criminals, Lumen hunting down her torturers or Quinn turning the other way to keep his relationship with Deb. Each character struggled with their own internal conflict between good and evil and in the end all made peace, each leaving the season carrying their own dark passenger. Hopefully next season all the dark passengers will try to hail a cab at the same time and chaos will break loose in the streets of Miami!

But, if I wanted a lesson about morality I would have watched Lifetime! Dexter is a murder, which I clearly know is wrong - thanks to Hebrew School and the Criminal Justice class I took in college! So murder away Dex! I already know how wrong it is. Are you assuming that most of your viewers don't? Was this season a CYA in case one of us tries to emulate Dexter's kill room?

I will put this season down to being educational, brushing me up on the ethical conflicts of everyday life. However the coping mechanisms of this group are not shining examples on how to endure your struggles i.e. serial killing, sleeping with a co-worker, hiring a PI, forcing your friends to torture pretty girls because you once where the fat kid at camp (seriously Jordan Chase, they could have found a better way to kill you, I think death by chocolate would have been appropriate)
Lastly and mostly I WANTED LUMEN TO DIE! Julia Stiles no I don't want to Save the Last Dance, and yes I do have 10 Things I hate About You.

Dex, I held my breath for 60 minutes, only to exhale and blow out a measly birthday candle.

"I guess serial killers do get to have their  (birthday) cake and eat it too" 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Despite Tabloid Reports - I Am Not DEAD!

Dear MHNC followers,

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my designer jeans for your continued loyalty even though I have  been totes MIA (not the musician, damn that girl dresses weird, total fashion suicide). And to the ladies that have rewarded my bad behaviour, you are all enablers, thank you I am honored!

So despite what you might think I am still breathing. I have not pulled a Tupac or Elvis, I have just started a new exciting job in the entertainment industry (gross, clean your mind). I am the new Tess McGill in my office, I am "cashing checks and breaking necks", "its the f-ing Catalina wine mixer" and I am dying for that corner office! I am lucky if I find the time to eat, sleep and take care of basic hygiene.

I promise as things become more routine, I will be back blogging harder than ever (gross, again! get it together!).

XO "Someone has to pay for these Loubies"

Friday, October 22, 2010

'The Lovely Stoned"

I managed to squeeze in some me time this afternoon, and since Netflix continues to be down (for what seems like an eternity, gaaw regular TV), I decided to peruse my DVR. Jackpot! Buried deep beneath 100 episodes of "Top Gear" and "How I Met Your Mother" I struck hidden chick flick treasure, "The Lovely Bones". Super excited I hit play and took a sip of my Coke Zero snuggling into the couch. I have not read the book (unbelievable I know), and had no idea what I was plunging myself into. All seemed pretty normal, until the little chick was murdered and then I started to feel weird. Staring at my soda I though someone at Coke must have laced a batch. It was like "Narnia" and "Ransom" had an awful messy drunken hook up and produced this film, which came out with a serious birth defect!

Oh Peter Jackson, I like a spaced out movie MORE than the next girl, and applaud your creativity. The visuals where "totally amazing dude",  but jeez, I seriously will NOT have what your are smoking, nightmares and crack cocaine, I presume! I was however, caught off guard by the ending. I was almost positive a hobbit was going to be the one to kill Stanley Tucci. Furthermore, I am very impressed that Mark Walberg has not served you a knuckle sandwich for enticing him to star in this "film". Lucky for you his anger management classes and new found love for the church must be working.

Watching this film was like waking up next to Dane Cook after a rough night of drinking, embarrassing & totally unsatisfying! Thanks Jackson, I will be billing you for 2.5 hours of my time.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Twittering Fool!

Kiss My Blue Ass

I successfully avoided Twitter for the last 2 years, watching it grow into it's own sovereign nation, but since I have not been working I felt the compelling need to start discussions with complete strangers. Unemployment did not force me to drink, smoke, shoplift or talk to the walls, it has driven me to TWEET!

I can't believe I have been missing out on several years of celebraties' irreverent thoughts, as well as the thrill of seeing people (who might infact be serial murders, yes you @Dexter) retweet and comment on my tweets. For some reason this makes me feel self righteous! Some rando thinks I am funny, how reassuring!

In the last week or so, I have download the Twitter App to my phone, and have development aches in my elbow joints from holding the phone for too long reading tweets all day. My vision is going, my ability to concentrate on anything other than Twitter is dwindling and the most pathetic of it all, last night I woke up at 4AM in excitement to check if I had any new followers, because in my dream I had just blown up on Twitter and I had bazillions of them... very disappointing when I found out I only had 5. 

According to Lindsey Lohan  Twitter addiction is a reality. She is getting treated for it as we speak at The Betty Ford Clinic. Wow that place will pretend to fix anything you make up for a buck! I bet Twitter was the reason she missed/was late for all her court dates -no seriously.

So after doing some important research here are some of my favorite signs you might be addicted to Twitter:

1. Beg your blog readers to follow you on twitter, then beg your Twitter followers to Retweet the tweet.
2. Keep searching for your twitter name and your tweets in real time twitter search
3. Keep refreshing the twitter page every second for new tweets.
4. Include your twitter profile in your Gmail signature instead� of your blog
5. Print your twitter id on business cards.
6. All of your friends’ names start with @
7. You name your newborn @babygirl1
8. You've seen a reduction in your cell phone minutes. You rarely talk to anyone anymore.
9. You wonder when the day comes that you will make your final exit and head to the pearly gates if anyone will be at your funeral...or will they just tweet it?
10. You wonder if all 10,000 of your followers actually showed up at your house what you would feed them.
11. You check your phone for Twitter updates when you aren't near your computer. If there are none you call your service provider to see if something is wrong.
12. You have blisters on your fingers from banging away at the keyboard so much.
13. You are afraid that if you go to eat lunch or dinner might miss something on Twitter, so you survive on anything that's portable -- like wine and candy.
14. You get all of your news from Twitter...and you believe it.
15. You like the word viral even though it sounds flu-ish.
16. You have a back up plan: if Twitter is down, you communicate on Facebook and vice versa. If both are down you take a Valium and pretend to like MySpace.
17. You sit in a room by yourself tweeting and you laugh. Out loud. A lot. You have even said, "Yes! Exactly" and nodded your head in agreement to many tweets.

You can see exactly how addicted you are by taking the following QUIZ.

I am  67% addicted only after 1 week! Screw you evil blue bird temptress, stop demanding that I follow you! You are laughing you way to the bank while millions become twittering fools! This might be the best terrorist plot yet! Who is watching the country? Even @BarackObama is busy tweeting!  

Please help feed (pun intended) my addiction by following me @cheeky_mouth.

"This ain't the singing Disney blue bird of happiness"

Monday, October 18, 2010

Personal Construction Over

Firstly my eggplant parm was an epic FAIL! I could hardly watch as Prince Charming grimaced and chewed away encouragingly. "Maybe just a few more minutes to cook, but great first try!" LIAR!I tasted my feet parm too. I did learn a valuable lesson (besides how to get rid of eggplant taste every time you burp),marriage is all about protecting your spouse's feelings when they suck at something the most. Oprah you might want to write those words of wisdom down for your next show and fax a copy to Courtney and David.

Last week I was totes MIA and I know I suck lemons, but I was not ignoring you all in vain. I was busy securing a wonderful fabulous new gig- corner office TBD.  Best of all I can now stop poisoning my husband and resort back to take-out every night. Not the solution many would come up with, but hey I am working with what my mama gave me, which did not included cooking lessons.

I promise to be reengaged this week with loads of bitchy posts and inappropriate comments for you to gawk at. Much love.  

"Looks like the castle is finally in sight"

Monday, October 11, 2010

Julia Childs' Worst Nightmare

Tonight I am cooking in the attempt to earn my keep! As I have mentioned in my passed posts, I have not been working for the better half of a month and, I am going nuts to say the least! I thought this was what I really wanted, once I got married, to be a housewife, sitting , laying, walking around looking pretty all day - one of my best talents. Unfortunately to my surprise it is not as glamorous at is sounds.

So I am taking up new hobbies, like cooking. I think it is about time I offer Prince Charming more than a variety of five dishes on regular rotation. He is out there working to the grind each day just to keep me happy, so I am ready to return the favor (in a new way)! Tonight I am starting out with cooking 101,
Eggplant Parmesan

Hopefully this dish is fool proof! Wish me luck! I will have Tums, Mylox, and Pepcid AC on hand should Prince Charming start to kill over...

Here's to new begininngs!

"Earning my keep in the castle is harder than it seems"

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Bunnies in Cups Should be Mandatory!

I DIE! So stinking cute and so compelling that I made Prince Charming take me to the pet store yesterday to play with the bunnies. I found a tan colored one and named him Peanut Butter - I love him, but he smells really bad and would clash with the new pumpkin spice scent radiating throughout my house. Sorry Peanut Butter guess you will have to find a owner with blocked sinus or no nose. Does Voldemort like bunnies? PeeU!

"I am going to stick with field mice, love you Gus!"


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