Friday, October 22, 2010

'The Lovely Stoned"

I managed to squeeze in some me time this afternoon, and since Netflix continues to be down (for what seems like an eternity, gaaw regular TV), I decided to peruse my DVR. Jackpot! Buried deep beneath 100 episodes of "Top Gear" and "How I Met Your Mother" I struck hidden chick flick treasure, "The Lovely Bones". Super excited I hit play and took a sip of my Coke Zero snuggling into the couch. I have not read the book (unbelievable I know), and had no idea what I was plunging myself into. All seemed pretty normal, until the little chick was murdered and then I started to feel weird. Staring at my soda I though someone at Coke must have laced a batch. It was like "Narnia" and "Ransom" had an awful messy drunken hook up and produced this film, which came out with a serious birth defect!

Oh Peter Jackson, I like a spaced out movie MORE than the next girl, and applaud your creativity. The visuals where "totally amazing dude",  but jeez, I seriously will NOT have what your are smoking, nightmares and crack cocaine, I presume! I was however, caught off guard by the ending. I was almost positive a hobbit was going to be the one to kill Stanley Tucci. Furthermore, I am very impressed that Mark Walberg has not served you a knuckle sandwich for enticing him to star in this "film". Lucky for you his anger management classes and new found love for the church must be working.

Watching this film was like waking up next to Dane Cook after a rough night of drinking, embarrassing & totally unsatisfying! Thanks Jackson, I will be billing you for 2.5 hours of my time.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Twittering Fool!

Kiss My Blue Ass

I successfully avoided Twitter for the last 2 years, watching it grow into it's own sovereign nation, but since I have not been working I felt the compelling need to start discussions with complete strangers. Unemployment did not force me to drink, smoke, shoplift or talk to the walls, it has driven me to TWEET!

I can't believe I have been missing out on several years of celebraties' irreverent thoughts, as well as the thrill of seeing people (who might infact be serial murders, yes you @Dexter) retweet and comment on my tweets. For some reason this makes me feel self righteous! Some rando thinks I am funny, how reassuring!

In the last week or so, I have download the Twitter App to my phone, and have development aches in my elbow joints from holding the phone for too long reading tweets all day. My vision is going, my ability to concentrate on anything other than Twitter is dwindling and the most pathetic of it all, last night I woke up at 4AM in excitement to check if I had any new followers, because in my dream I had just blown up on Twitter and I had bazillions of them... very disappointing when I found out I only had 5. 

According to Lindsey Lohan  Twitter addiction is a reality. She is getting treated for it as we speak at The Betty Ford Clinic. Wow that place will pretend to fix anything you make up for a buck! I bet Twitter was the reason she missed/was late for all her court dates -no seriously.

So after doing some important research here are some of my favorite signs you might be addicted to Twitter:

1. Beg your blog readers to follow you on twitter, then beg your Twitter followers to Retweet the tweet.
2. Keep searching for your twitter name and your tweets in real time twitter search
3. Keep refreshing the twitter page every second for new tweets.
4. Include your twitter profile in your Gmail signature instead� of your blog
5. Print your twitter id on business cards.
6. All of your friends’ names start with @
7. You name your newborn @babygirl1
8. You've seen a reduction in your cell phone minutes. You rarely talk to anyone anymore.
9. You wonder when the day comes that you will make your final exit and head to the pearly gates if anyone will be at your funeral...or will they just tweet it?
10. You wonder if all 10,000 of your followers actually showed up at your house what you would feed them.
11. You check your phone for Twitter updates when you aren't near your computer. If there are none you call your service provider to see if something is wrong.
12. You have blisters on your fingers from banging away at the keyboard so much.
13. You are afraid that if you go to eat lunch or dinner might miss something on Twitter, so you survive on anything that's portable -- like wine and candy.
14. You get all of your news from Twitter...and you believe it.
15. You like the word viral even though it sounds flu-ish.
16. You have a back up plan: if Twitter is down, you communicate on Facebook and vice versa. If both are down you take a Valium and pretend to like MySpace.
17. You sit in a room by yourself tweeting and you laugh. Out loud. A lot. You have even said, "Yes! Exactly" and nodded your head in agreement to many tweets.

You can see exactly how addicted you are by taking the following QUIZ.

I am  67% addicted only after 1 week! Screw you evil blue bird temptress, stop demanding that I follow you! You are laughing you way to the bank while millions become twittering fools! This might be the best terrorist plot yet! Who is watching the country? Even @BarackObama is busy tweeting!  

Please help feed (pun intended) my addiction by following me @cheeky_mouth.

"This ain't the singing Disney blue bird of happiness"

Monday, October 18, 2010

Personal Construction Over

Firstly my eggplant parm was an epic FAIL! I could hardly watch as Prince Charming grimaced and chewed away encouragingly. "Maybe just a few more minutes to cook, but great first try!" LIAR!I tasted my feet parm too. I did learn a valuable lesson (besides how to get rid of eggplant taste every time you burp),marriage is all about protecting your spouse's feelings when they suck at something the most. Oprah you might want to write those words of wisdom down for your next show and fax a copy to Courtney and David.

Last week I was totes MIA and I know I suck lemons, but I was not ignoring you all in vain. I was busy securing a wonderful fabulous new gig- corner office TBD.  Best of all I can now stop poisoning my husband and resort back to take-out every night. Not the solution many would come up with, but hey I am working with what my mama gave me, which did not included cooking lessons.

I promise to be reengaged this week with loads of bitchy posts and inappropriate comments for you to gawk at. Much love.  

"Looks like the castle is finally in sight"

Monday, October 11, 2010

Julia Childs' Worst Nightmare

Tonight I am cooking in the attempt to earn my keep! As I have mentioned in my passed posts, I have not been working for the better half of a month and, I am going nuts to say the least! I thought this was what I really wanted, once I got married, to be a housewife, sitting , laying, walking around looking pretty all day - one of my best talents. Unfortunately to my surprise it is not as glamorous at is sounds.

So I am taking up new hobbies, like cooking. I think it is about time I offer Prince Charming more than a variety of five dishes on regular rotation. He is out there working to the grind each day just to keep me happy, so I am ready to return the favor (in a new way)! Tonight I am starting out with cooking 101,
Eggplant Parmesan

Hopefully this dish is fool proof! Wish me luck! I will have Tums, Mylox, and Pepcid AC on hand should Prince Charming start to kill over...

Here's to new begininngs!

"Earning my keep in the castle is harder than it seems"

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Bunnies in Cups Should be Mandatory!

I DIE! So stinking cute and so compelling that I made Prince Charming take me to the pet store yesterday to play with the bunnies. I found a tan colored one and named him Peanut Butter - I love him, but he smells really bad and would clash with the new pumpkin spice scent radiating throughout my house. Sorry Peanut Butter guess you will have to find a owner with blocked sinus or no nose. Does Voldemort like bunnies? PeeU!

"I am going to stick with field mice, love you Gus!"

Monday, October 4, 2010

A Happy Potter Anniversary

My close friends are aware of my unnatural love for Harry Potter - it is not something I openly admit until I feel like we have reach a certain point in our friendship - like the point I know you will not burst out laughing and run out the door.  But if you happen to be standing next to me when my phone rings my secret is revealed- aaw Harry Potter theme music, magical every time! My obsession began when I saw the first 2 movies back to back and I was hooked. Drama, magic and intrigue what more can you ask for? This stuff gives daytime telly a run for it's money. Since then I frantically read all the books in the series and continue to enjoy Harry Potter movie marathons (thanks ABC Family). I am also grateful that Daniel Radcliffe has finally emerge from puberty and I no longer have to hide my crush on Harry in shame.

I am pretty sure I am not a total die hard wizarding weirdo and just have a healthy imagination and love for MAGIC Dumbledore style as I do not partake in the following:

I don't read the Leaky Cauldron, too often.
I don't listen to Wizard Rock, but I love singing nerds aka Weezer & Vampire Weekend
I did watch the documentary We are Wizards, but purely for social study purposes
I don't wear Harry Potter style clothing and my collection of J.Crew preppy stripped scarves do not count!
I don't openly search for Platform 9 3/4 at the metro station (unless something looks suspicious suggesting its existence)

So with great excitement it came to my attention that the stars will align for me in the month of November, bring together 2 of my loves - Harry Potter and Prince Charming (in no particular order of preference). Drumroll (dadadadah!)Harry Potter and The Deadly Hallows will be opening the weekend of my one year wedding anniversary in 3D IMAX! Even captain obvious knows what this means. We must go celebrate our anniversary at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando! Logical right?

I am grateful for Prince Charming who is planning to indulge me in this ridiculous wedding anniversary wish.  Am I nuts for trading tickets to Daniel Tosh and a night at a fancy downtown hotel for downing butter beer which I will promptly throw up on The Flight of the Hippogriff?


Saturday, October 2, 2010

A Haute Mess - Juicy Couture Catastrophy

Juicy Fields Forever - What the Haute?

  • Sigfried and Roy's wet dream
  • Looks like Satan is celebrating Easter this year
  • What a molesting Easter Bunny - look at all of his bastard offspring. This is why I am pro neutering.
  • The homeless of Wonderland
  • On the next episode of "Extreme Hoarders" ....
  •  I can hear time Tim Gunn screaming "Even I can't make this work!"
  • Alice in Wonderland + Woodstock + The Wizard of Oz + Hunter S. Thompson + The Beatles = Bad acid trip not new line of preppy girlie wear
  • I spy knock-off Chanel!
  • This is what happens when Freddy Kruger visits little girls dreams
  • Jordan Catalano are you lost again?
  • Way to divert our attention from the clothing
  • A dress up tea party for the committed - one sugar cube away from the insane asylum
  • Even John Lennon would not want to imagine this!
"Bring back my beloved sweat suites" - Cinderella


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