Trueblood – Truly Revolting! (Spoiler Alert!)

It is hard not to take notice of the amped up gore factor on True Blood over the last two weeks, unless maybe if you are dead on the inside. It has geared up from the occasional bleeding wound and severed head to a full on “bleed out” feast! I get it Alan Ball, you need to keep upping your game. After all it is not TV it is HBO, but seriously this is getting out of control.

Over the last 2 episodes vampires, werewolves, shifters and now fairies (yes I know), get bludgeoned on the head, drained within an inch of their lives, impaled, shot, tortured with Tiffany’s earrings, and run over by vehicles of all shapes and sizes. And yes we are only 6 episodes in, what is coming next? I am taking bets the last episode of the season will include a mass grave digging in Bon Temps just to dispose of all the bodies!

It has become so vial that I have taken to eating Sunday dinner early just so I don't barf while I am shoveling down steak or worst yet some type of ground meat – I swear I can taste the blood and bones crunching and I feel no better than a vamp with an insatiable taste for human meat/blood. I do often laugh while eating meat and watching this show, I definitely feel it is the appropriate choice! Like drinking a martini while watching Sex and The City.

Also let’s discuss the ridiculousness of all these new types of mythical redneck freaks that keep walking into town. Why are so many frequenting Bon Temps? Is there a bottomless well of free Budweiser? Or a sale on tractor trailers? At least in Buffy they explained that the school was built on top of the portal to hell – a plausible explanation.


I am super confused I thought the show was a "realistic" look at how vampires live within our society and function as part of the “regular” human race, well most of them at least. Of course there are those old school vamps who want to prey on the human race and take over the universe – high hopes for a zombie with an attitude!

Now we are learning there are many more types of crazy mythical creatures that live amongst us. I guess it is mildly acceptable in a world where vampires exist, but lately I feel like I am watching a pornographic version of World of Warcraft. Where will the line be drawn? It is more common for folks in Bon Temps or any of its adjacent parishes to have a crazy “dark” secret than to just be a normal human being.

Oh and Sookie is a fairy!! And now that Bill has drained her of her blood and “light” he is part fairy too! A Vampairy? Fairvampi?? WTF this is getting too complex and convoluted! I feel like I need to do some V so I can be high enough to believe the sh”t this show is shoveling out.

“This is more disturbing than watching Beauty and the Beast make out!" – Cinderella

Total Eclipse of the Heart!

So I am barely over 30 (and I mean barely you can hardly notice, just ask the guy at the liquor store) and slightly embarrassed that I am curious about seeing a Twilight movie. Please note I said curious. I really thought the books were vapid drool, but hey if you can make millions off of it major kudos to you, you are just proving again that people love BS.

So me and one of my best gals decide to head out to see Eclipse. I am not a Twihard by any means, but she on the other hand might easily meet the criteria by suggesting we seeing it at midnight during the week. I decline as I can’t recall the last time I was out close to midnight on a school night; I might turn into a pumpkin or worse yet fall asleep while snoring in the movie. All the screaming teenagers would  then really think I was as ancient as a vampire.

We agree to go see it at 7PM (during Twilight, the irony was wasted on me at the time), buying our tickets in advance, however when we get there the line is around the block. Damnit! Like two sheep we jump in line bitching as to how the show is set to start in a matter of minutes and we have not even been let in the building. After waiting for like a million years (ok 10 mins, but 10 mins of kvetching feels like a million years ask any Jewish man) we see people going in another entrance – we yell “suckers!” and rush over to the other open door. We were the suckers, the outside line we were standing in was for the later show. Whatever, I refuse to believe I am a sheep.

We rush into the theater, finally finding two seats situated far enough away from the women with the screaming new born. Lady you must like vampires in an unholy way if you decide it is a great idea to bringing your baby out at night to the movies! Some people should not be allowed to reproduce, follow the example of the vampires you covet so much – they can't have babies.

Ssssh.The movie starts with Edward debuting first, and instantly a group of frantic teenage banshees make their eternal devotion know to "Team Edward" vocally. Please get a life! I don’t remember acting like such a ‘tard when I went to see Dirty Dancing for the first time. The 8o’s were totally a better time free of teenage vampires...wait I forgot about Lost Boys and oh yeah TeenWolf - I guess even bad history repeats itself.


I fane interest for a while and then BAM! Jacob enters the scene (and my heart) and the guilt instantly hits me like fat girl to the face. I love Jacob! Yeah team Jacob! Werewolves rule, vampires drool! Before I can even stop to slap myself upside the head, I find myself willing partaking in the mayhem that is going on the theater; I have Bieber fever for werewolves!

I am pissed once the movie is over, I want more Jacob. Like a crackhead I start feeling the withdrawal kicking in almost immediately! I turn to my girlfriend in a frenzy and ask her if she thinks it is weird if I put a poster of Jacob  in my bedroom. She reminds me that I am married and barely over 30! Would Prince Charming really mind,? Honestly could he be threatened by a 16 year old (barely legal) fake werewolf???

I am glad to say I think I have the fever under control and have not yet made a second trip of shame to see Eclipse, my girlfriend however went the following night to see it alone at 10PM; this chick might have it worse than I do.

 Help!


“Werewolves can’t huff & puff and blow my castle down, right?” – Cinderella