Sunday, August 29, 2010

A Letter to Ronnie (Bloomingdale's Fairy Gay Mother)

Dear Ronnie,

While hitting up the sales a few weeks ago at Bloomies, (you know it is a recession when everything is an additional 40% off, I felt like a teenager with backstage passes to a Twilight convention) I was deeply saddened to find out you are no longer a part of the Bloomingdale's family. I immediately felt like protesting and taking a stand by turning in my resignation and snapping my well earned silver card in two, but unfortunately the ramifications of a divorce with Bloomingdale's was too painful to process. Who would get all the brown bags in the settlement?

Ronnie (or on some days Ronald) I will sincerely miss you waving me into the store asking “girl what you doing here” (umm shopping) like you where surprised to see me and I was just “popping” in for tea unannounced or something. I look back at all that we went through:

You helping me pick out new more appropriate designer jeans to wear in a pick up truck (yes Prince Charming does drive a truck, but we live in the South what where you expecting – at least is does not have gun rack that is where I draw the line). You did not make fun of me for ripping the crotch trying to swing into the truck like I was at a rodeo. You just said calmly (like all girls have this problem) “get the cargo Rock & Republics instead of the ones with rhinestones on the butt. Rhinestones are not appropriate for riding in a truck” – sage advice

I will miss our trips down to the beauty department so that you can sign me up for specials and have the free gifts delivered to my house even when I did not make the minimum purchase. Do you know how much joy you bring to a girl when she receives a box full of free cosmetic samples from Bloomingdale's! Thanks for helping me pull the wool over the cosmetics lady's eyes more than once – your scripted conversations you divulged to me as we rode down the escalator together always worked! I flelt like we where playing out a scene from "The Grifters" - I am pretty sure you wanted to be both Anjelica Huston and Annette Bening.

Finally when it came down to shopping for dresses for my wedding you kept me in check. Although I am pretty sure you have never been to a Synagogue before, being a flaming black man, you constantly reminded me what was appropriate for the “grannies at the Temple”, and when you asked me if all the “Jewish grannies stand in the back of the temple and smoke cigarettes” I swear I loved you more.

So I hope you are out there making some other princesse's shopping dreams come true, and in the one in a million chance you read this, remember me and the time you said “what are you doing here, look at you, you should be getting a facial and that hair cut!” Thanks tact was never wasted on you.

Love,

Cinderella

“Bitch I know you took my other glass slipper when you left” – Cinderella

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Mediums or Just Large Liars!

After a long day at my dead end job and a late night trip to Starbucks, I finally crawled into bed and click on the TV. To my delight a new HBO documentary on a town of mediums (psychic or psychos whichever you’d prefer) was just about to begin – perfect timing, or is it meant to be?

The Little town of Lilly Dale in upstate New York claims to have the highest population per capita of registered mediums in the world. I quickly want to know how they came up with that measurement. Did they survey the underworld? I wonder if Charon, the boatman, uses a people counter as he ushers them down the river Styx into the portal of Hades.

So people travel from all over America (dare I say the world) to visit this Disneyland of the Dead hoping to meet with one of the many spiritual reverends (yes!)and get the answers they are looking for from their dead friends. Seriously in bumble F America you are seeking the truth to life?

I force myself to keep an open mind and watch diligently to see if these mediums can actually deliver. I am quickly surprised to learn that many of these mediums are in fact men. Am I being sexist? I thought mediums are women and genies are dudes (or Xtina, who is close enough to a dude to pass this generalization).

As I watched the first subject walk into his reading, I observe right away that he is wearing a dog tag with this son’s picture in it; At this point I can only assume the genie excuse me medium does to. I am observant. The genie blurts out “Right away I can tell there is a presence of a child standing behind you and he wants you to know that he is happy and did not feel any pain”, okay I wait for the next big revelation??? His name, the day he died, info only this dude would know – something! It never came! The subject was so excited by this vague news he quickly explained how his son had been killed and that he is the one he is looking to speak with. The subject continues to be blown away that rev. medium genie knew this information. REALLY – you gave it up in five minutes with your bout of Montezuma’s of the mouth. Also in case you are blind; you are wearing your son’s picture around your neck!!!

Okay so one dope in a town full of mediums, maybe the next medium has got it going on. She begins by explaining that she is like a "human telephone to the dead” (girl if you have AT&T you are in for a rough connection)and speaking with the dead is a two way conversation. If you don’t respond the dead with hang up on you, rude!. By "respond" she clearly means - give me all the details first so I can make up some bullsh”t to blow your mind with.

At this point I turn it off and decide to take my chances making a spiritual connections with the dead in my sleep. Last night is when I had my first out of body experience. Am I being punished by the consortium of mediums? Do they have my number? Whatever! I have known for years that my signal is slightly off, good luck trying to reach me!

Learn more at: http://www.movieline.com/2010/07/no-one-dies-in-lily-dale.php

“Fairy godmother, I asked for a Bentley not a pumpkin, get your connection checked!” - Cinderella

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Diagnosis: Vacationitus

Symptoms:

  • You need a night cap every night and your definition of "night" keeps getting earlier and earlier in the day.

  • Your idea of a mini vacay is turning your phone off for 5 minutes just to get some peace and quiet.

  • You spend way to much money on body cream, bath bombs and other Lush products just so you can create a spa in your bathroom & get away in the evenings.

  • You feel like you are crawling through the work day like a hung over college student trying to stay awake during a 3 hour econ lecture.

  • Coffee is not enough!

  • Your mind is as sharp as a wet noodle.

  • You let other people win arguments just so they will just shut up!

  • Your hair is frazzled and you have LARGE Bloomingdale's bags under your eyes and you don't even care!

  • You book a vacation 2 months out and put off everything important until after you are scheduled to return (2 months is a long time to check out of life unless you are in rehab or prison).

  • You truly believe all your problems and maybe even the world's could be solved if you could just getaway for a few minutes.
Treatment: 4 days at the beach with Prince Charming.

"Can I get arrested for writing my own prescriptions?" - Cinderella

Monday, August 16, 2010

Shiny New Awards!!

I am super duper excited to get my first set of AWARDS from the wonderful Kim of A Spicy Boy, A Cat & My Fat Ass - Her blog is so awesome and I am so appreciative she recognized mine with the following:


I am thrilled to be passing on these awards to other blogs I heart! We're supposed to tell 7 things about ourselves and then pass on the awards to the blogs of our choice. Here we go:

1. I hate to cook. Poor Prince Charming, but happy Sushi joint down the road.

2. I truly do have an opinion about everything.

3. I have only been blogging for about a month, but loving it! Thanks for all the love!

4. Might have a slight obsession with True Blood - if you have been reading that should be no surprise.

5. I only buy things that are discounted, conveniently in my world a 10% discount counts as a sale.

6. I never thought I would marry a southern boy, but now I love big trucks!

7. I am trying to write a novel! OY VEY!

Here are the fab blogs I am passing on the blog bling too:

ABSOLUTELY NARCISSISM!



obviously marvelous

True Blood: Who's Smoking the Fairy Dust?


With each new episode of the season I find myself questioning True Blood’s authenticity? Which I know is ridiculous when the premise of the show is that vampires and a cornucopia of other creepy creatures live amongst us. But the more outlandish it becomes the less pleased I am! Weird how our perception of reality only takes us so far before something becomes completely implausible. I guess my threshold for fantasy meeting reality stops at werewolves? Vampires, shifters, maynards, telepaths all fine, but fairies pu-lease who believes in those?

The show definitely walks a thin (and I mean dental floss thin) line between reality and fantasy, and as of late has done so beautifully, aiding in my belief that most of what is happening in the show is real including Eric’s amazing abs! Let's be honest he must be downing a delicious Roidtini daily!

Last night this thin line was disintegrated by fairy dust. "Everything was broken" including my delusions of reality. Bill’s entry into fairyland robbed the show IMHO of  it's credibility and darkness. What is next unicorns, Leprechauns and magical rainbow rides?

Clearly the left side of my brain rules my body, math and logic don't make regular appearances in my control tower, so I am definitely intrigued by all the universe has to offer, but fairies are just too Disney. I must admit I tend to favor the existence of nightmarish creatures, this is potentially why I don’t sleep most night as I am still dreaming of Freddy Kruger busting through my door.

I do love love love Talbot's new digs, a Waterford crystal earn! Fancy! I can only hope Russell will be prancing around with his Talbot fruit salad for the remainder of the season!

Are you smoking the fairy dust? What is your reality to fantasy threshold?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Shut-Up! It's Saturday Morning!!!

Who takes their kids swimming at 7AM ? I just woke up with the rings of Saturn around my eyes due to spending the wee hours of the morning trying to sleep with 2 little kids screaming"mamma, mamma, maamma" over and over again. They even penetrated my dreams, as I found myself laying at the pool with  my sister and a headache. Thank goodness they finally switched up their shrieks with what I could only make out to be Spanish nursery rhymes. It took all the power of my good conscience (I think the little version of myself with angels wings on my shoulder died of exhaustion) not to open my balcony door and yell "SHUT UP!" But I realize karma is a bitch and I will be the one with the screaming kid soon. Lord have mercy!

It is time to buy a house, I am done playing well with others.

"I now understand why the big bad wolf wanted to eat Little Red Riding Hood" - Cinderella

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Menu for Happiness

Intoxicants:
Wine with sparkles of course!
True Blood, True Blood and more True Blood
Bethany Getting Married – Look at that pregnant bitch!
Beach Vacations - As long as it is not in Georgia. I like my beach to provide a tropical experience

Fresh Meat:
Cocktails with Patrick on Sirius XM – Holla at Ya Boy!
Ross Mathews - I wish he would be my GBF, is there such a thing as GayDate? I swear he is so gay when he talks rainbows come out of his mouth
Harry Potter – I am a total nerd, the theme song is my ringtone. Don't judge I am just imaginative

Weight Watcher Friendly:
Skinny jeans – the darker the better, they make my legs disappear
Sushi for breakfast, lunch & dinner and don’t stinge on the spicy mayo!
Saying “I am fat” at least 20 times a day! Prince Charming says he is going to start a swear jar

Deserts/ Guilty Pleasures:
Give me Attention - no PR is bad PR!
Sugar Free Comedians i.e. Daniel Tosh, Louis CK and Chelsea Handler – tell it like it is kids
Tell me I am gorgeous/beautiful – Say it, I don’t care if it’s true or not!
Sales at Bloomies – okay sales anywhere, but Bloomies make me dizzy!

Today's Special:
Prince Charming telling me how glorious I am, while cooking dinner and giving me a back massage.

I am not demanding I am just definite. Now who’s taking my order?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dating in the Dark: You Have A Great Personality, But Your Fugly!


The new season of Dating in the Dark is here, and I am as giddy as a school girl! I am not one who even mildly enjoys shows like the Bachelor/Bachelorette, but I do love a good dating game with a sick twist, i.e. Joe Millionaire, Beauty and the Geek and the best yet Mr. Personality. So naturally I love Dating in the Dark. It is dramatic and provides me with instant gratification, just how I like it! No need to waste 3 months waiting to find out who is going home with someone and who is just going home crying.

Dating in the Dark puts 2 sets of strangers, 3 male and 3 female in a house for the equivalent of weekend. Long enough to find true love right? Here is the catch, they are not allowed to see each other with the lights on and can only conduct their dates in a room darker than the edge of space.

Ultimately they have to win over the heart of their compatible match with their personalities, but like for most  guys personality is not quite enough and it is hilarious watching them try to sneak an indiscreet flubber examine - Its pretty obvious that when a guy asks to feel your face he is checking for neck fat not how smooth your skin is!

Last night Joey was concerned about landing up with a "floater", who I quote "might blow up like a tick". Needless to say he went home alone. A fat chick is better than no chick loser. Take your chest hairs back to Jersey, you (and Jersey Shore) are giving the nice people of your state a bad name.

After 3 dates they are revealed in the light to the person they have pick,(and who many of the desperate women has deemed their soul mate)! The reveal is always so uncomfortable to watch, it is like staring straight into the sun!

Finally once they have seen each other in the light, the show sets up the contestants for one final blow. The guy is asked to show up to meet the girl. Way to set yourself up for rejection on National TV. The girl must wait anxiously praying like a nerd on prom night for her date to show up. Most times the girl is left mortified knowing that her alleged "soul mate" thought she was fugly along with all of America. Good luck trying to get this girl to now date in the light!  This can't be easy for someone who already seemed as emotionally stable as a teenager with a meth addiction. 

Out of all this the "thoughtfully deep" lesson ABC is trying to convey to America is: Looks should not matter! To bad in most instances it backfires. We are America of course looks matter! Have you not seen Doctor 90210, The Swan or Extreme Makeover, most of which air on your network? I am so confused??? I will try not to be too shallow while getting a boob job because I can't find true love. Sheesh!

Be sure to check out Dating in the Dark on ABC at 10PM Monday nights.
http://abc.go.com/shows/dating-in-the-dark

"Finding Prince Charming with the lights on was hard enough" - Cinderella

Monday, August 9, 2010

I've Got a Case of The Mondays!



I woke up covered in Mosquito bites from head to toe! It must have been from lying at the pool in the evening. So much for trying to avoid the sun and skin cancer. This little bugger bit me everywhere even in the unmentionables - what a perv! He drained me of so much blood that he probably had to go direclty to a weight watchers meeting! Or maybe he was just inspired by the latest episode of True Blood ? YUCK I am itchy!!

Then my flat iron broke! Great now I get to have bed head all day! Wonderful if I was trying to rock the "I am in my twenties and still wearing my clothes from the night before to the office” look.

A great way to start the week. Covered in what looks like adult body acme with hair that would not even be excusable in the 80’s. Phhht! I look like I have a horrible bout of puberty!

What’s your manic Monday beef?

XO
Cinderella

Friday, August 6, 2010

It's a Friday Blog Party! And I Want to Be the Bell of the Ball!

Smart and Trendy Momsfriday-followbadge

Have a Toshtastic Weekend!!

Binge and Splurge! The Real Housewives of D.C.

The much anticipated season premiere of the Real Housewives of D.C. aired last night. I decided to watch as I thought nothing could be as gut wrenchingly painful as the New Jersey season, and I also love D.C. having attend College there.

I was wrong! This show is painful in a whole new way! These bitches are starving and not for money, but for a damn Happy Meal! I could hardly follow the storyline (if there was any) due to my sick fascination with how thin these chicks were. As a Jewish woman it hurt me to see someone look so malnourished. I felt instantly completed to force a brisket down each of their throats!

Serious at some point in a girl’s life being stick thin like skeletor makes you look old as dirt, and these women look as ancient as Egyptian Mummies. In fact being bandaged from head to toe might be a better look for them to consider. They are all in desperate need of a stiff injection to the face of Oprah’s butt fat! They are so horribly thin that their eyeballs look like they are going to roll out of their sockets onto the floor. EAT!!! You live in DC not L.A. nobody cares; most politicians are fat, bald and drunk anyway.



Lynda Erkiletian
Michaele Salahi
Skeletor
Also what is with the flaming husband in Pucci pants??? Last night he was voted a “fashion trendsetter” by Washingtonian Magazine. Honey buy yourself a ticket to Broadway or at least hook up with the out of place Ms. Jay wanna be. I am undecided about returning next week to watch what I have deemed “Gross Anatomy!"Will you be watching’?


"Bakers man bakers man bake these bitches a cake as fast as you can!" - Cinderella

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bath Bombs are the Business

There is no better way (IMHO) to pamper yourself after a long day than by taking a bubble bath. I have been treating myself to these for as long as I can remember, shutting out the world, lighting a candle, reading a book and listening to spa tunes on Pandora. The perfect way to end my day on a note of Zen.

My ideal water temperature is cooking! (It must be my Russian blood). Prince Charming says I look like a red lobster boiling in a pot of bubble soup! Attractive I know! At least I am not letting out a silent scream! EEK!


A few months ago one of my besties gave me some amazeballs for my birthday (not those kind of balls, gross ladies) LUSH bath bombs and they are DA BOMB no joke. They come in all shapes, sizes, colors and smells and most of the time I feel like Molly Shannon smelling them obsessively before finally convincing myself to drop them in the water verses stuffing them in my mouth. But that is just the icing on the cake aside from the intoxicating smell each one has a wondrous surprise inside. Last night I was funfettied with hearts! I felt like I was finally getting the ending I deserved to my long day. A parade in my honor!

Below are a few of my favs, try them out I promise there is no looking back once you hop into a tub of adornment and are showered with glitter! You'll feel like you just won Ms. America!

For those of you who don't have a LUSH store near you, you can buy these FBOMBS (fabulous bombs) at http://www.lush.com/

Here are a few of my favs!
Sex Bomb
Whip your clothes off for this ultra sexy
 Bath Bomb of seduction!  


Fairy Jasmine
 For those that love glitter an
the intoxicating fragrance of jasmine



















Think Pink
A pink candy-topped treat
with intoxicating tonka bean
absolute and a sweet vanilla fragrance











Please send your Thank You notes to….JK ENJOY!!!


After a long day of scrubbing floors there is nothing better than soaking in a hot bucket of sudsy water” – Cinderella

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Fashion Drought! I am Parched!

The depression recession is finally trickling down the fashion food chain to a mall near you. I feel like I am back in the desert and it is not even close to Passover!

Prince Charming and I were part of the fortunate few who were not negatively affected by this ugly time in our country's history. So having our regular incomes in a society where everything was on sale, well was like being a housewife at an “All You Can Inject Botox Party”. Everything had to get remodeled, especially my closet!

In 2009 stores by the handful faced the reality of being stuck with excess merchandise and no way to alleviate themselves of their abundant baggage. So the markdowns began!!!  Those of us who could shop quickly worked ourselves into a mad frenzy (think Tasmania devil!). I could not believe the bargains I was getting, even embarrassed to pay so little for big designer brands! I reveled in the misfortune of the retail world! Finally I could look like a million bucks without having to spend it!!! My obsession developed quickly and possessed me like the poltergeist of a fashion victim. I wanted to find bargains everywhere, Bloomies, Saks, Niemen’s, JCREW. I ran the gamut, I was is a battle against time to snatch up all the glorious stuff humanly possible before this wondrous time ended.

Well my friends my clock just zeroed out! Unfortunately the merchandise well has run dry! I don’t think I  drained it completely by myself, but it is entirely possible! I have come to the end of my rainbow, there is no new fashion left to be bought on sale. And worse yet there seems like there is nothing new coming down the pipelines! Is the faucet in my city empty? I need a plumber ASAP! Where is Tim Gunn when you need that bitch! What am I going to wear? It feels like I have been starring at the same clothes on the rack and in my closet for six months and I refuse to pay full price for anything again!

I need rehab or a time machine so I can reboot my shopping habits back to their original settings; maybe Lindsey will let me share her cell.

“I need more discounted designer slippers or I will scream” – Cinderella

Monday, August 2, 2010

Trueblood – Truly Revolting! (Spoiler Alert!)

It is hard not to take notice of the amped up gore factor on True Blood over the last two weeks, unless maybe if you are dead on the inside. It has geared up from the occasional bleeding wound and severed head to a full on “bleed out” feast! I get it Alan Ball, you need to keep upping your game. After all it is not TV it is HBO, but seriously this is getting out of control.

Over the last 2 episodes vampires, werewolves, shifters and now fairies (yes I know), get bludgeoned on the head, drained within an inch of their lives, impaled, shot, tortured with Tiffany’s earrings, and run over by vehicles of all shapes and sizes. And yes we are only 6 episodes in, what is coming next? I am taking bets the last episode of the season will include a mass grave digging in Bon Temps just to dispose of all the bodies!

It has become so vial that I have taken to eating Sunday dinner early just so I don't barf while I am shoveling down steak or worst yet some type of ground meat – I swear I can taste the blood and bones crunching and I feel no better than a vamp with an insatiable taste for human meat/blood. I do often laugh while eating meat and watching this show, I definitely feel it is the appropriate choice! Like drinking a martini while watching Sex and The City.

Also let’s discuss the ridiculousness of all these new types of mythical redneck freaks that keep walking into town. Why are so many frequenting Bon Temps? Is there a bottomless well of free Budweiser? Or a sale on tractor trailers? At least in Buffy they explained that the school was built on top of the portal to hell – a plausible explanation.


I am super confused I thought the show was a "realistic" look at how vampires live within our society and function as part of the “regular” human race, well most of them at least. Of course there are those old school vamps who want to prey on the human race and take over the universe – high hopes for a zombie with an attitude!

Now we are learning there are many more types of crazy mythical creatures that live amongst us. I guess it is mildly acceptable in a world where vampires exist, but lately I feel like I am watching a pornographic version of World of Warcraft. Where will the line be drawn? It is more common for folks in Bon Temps or any of its adjacent parishes to have a crazy “dark” secret than to just be a normal human being.

Oh and Sookie is a fairy!! And now that Bill has drained her of her blood and “light” he is part fairy too! A Vampairy? Fairvampi?? WTF this is getting too complex and convoluted! I feel like I need to do some V so I can be high enough to believe the sh”t this show is shoveling out.

“This is more disturbing than watching Beauty and the Beast make out!" – Cinderella

Sunday, August 1, 2010

"Dolce and Gabbana, hello"

  1. Presenting the cast of Gossip Girl Nebraska.
  2. Plaid is the only fabric they sell at the local Hancock's.
  3. Granny must have arthritis from making everyone matching outfits each day.
  4. This is what happens when your inbreed, even your clothes start to look the same.
  5. The family that plaids together stays together! That's because everyone else thinks you are freaks!
  6. Steve has a genetic defect "unruly hair"! That is why he must sleep in the stable with the horse.
  7. What is Brad Pit doing standing next granny - I know he likes old hags with lot of kids, but you have to draw the line somewhere!
  8. Even families in designer clothes look miserable when they are force to get together!
  9. Impressive entry for Extreme Home Makeover - Ty you have your work cut out for ya, and you'd better bring an exorcist!
  10. How many plaid centaurs are they hiding in the basement?
  11. The Alabama Class of 2010 Senior Prom Picture!
  12. Where is grandpa?
  13. What does D&G stand for? "Derelict" & Grandma???
"What do you think Dolce is sayin'?

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails