Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Tooth Scary! A Cautionary Tale!

I am still hopped up on painkillers from yesterday’s root canal experience, good thing I am in the office. It’s going to be a “fun” day for me at least. My computer screen currently looks like a portal to another universe and the sound of my fingers typing is as loud as a million elephants dancing Swan Lake on a tin roof!
You would imagine I learnt a few valuable lesson from this tooth drama, like to floss more frequently, eat less sugar, yada yada good teeth heath and hygiene. Yeah right! I went straight home and ate the homemade brownies I made the night before. Hey all I can eat are soft foods and they say “guilt free” on the box– justify justify justify!

So the big lesson I learnt yesterday was drum roll.... Whatever you do don’t turn around after the dentist has finished drilling into your skull! Seriously I mean it! You might turn into a pillar of salt! What I laid my eyes on was right out of a Saw movie (I have not seen this film as I pee myself in terror just looking at the box, this is how I know it is the most horrific movie of all time!) Lying nonchalantly on the table was a tray filled with bits of my mouth! This primordial soup consisted of drool, bone, tooth, blood and some other unidentifiable yellow ooze.


The worst part was by the time I left they had still not removed this Petri dish of hazardous waste. What were they saving it for? Stem cell research???

P.S. Tooth fairy pay up! I deserve a FAT check from you based on the amout of tooth I gave up yesterday!
“I feel like I just barely survived a horse and carriage hit and run” – Cinderella

Monday, July 26, 2010


Someone just unfollowed me! Was it something I said??? Really I know I can be a little superficial, but the truth hurts sometimes ladies, it’s vicious out there!!

Thanks to my loyal followers for sticking with this bitch!!


“Girl You Look Like a Million Bucks (and I don’t mean all green and wrinkly)!”

For all of us trying to make our way up the social and corporate ladder, nothing is more important than always looking your best! The odds are ugly when going up against Murphy’s Law on this one. If you go out looking as appetizing as a piece of fruit rotting in the sun all day, you are 100% definitely going to run into one of the following people:

The Ex: He/She should feel eternally remorseful  for screwing up your relationship even if you were to blame. Seeing you all gorgeous will invoke feelings of regret, and they may actually begin to believe it was all their fault. (like you keep saying!).

The Exs’ Current Girl/Boyfriend: Looking better than this person and knowing they are feeding on your sloppy seconds is a feeling I can only equate with finding a designer bag on sale and then finding an additional coupon in the bottom of your purse.

The Crush – No one is drooling over a pair of sweatpants with brownie stains on them.

The Frenemy - Those ugly step sisters are just waiting to trip you up with their big un-manicured feet. Don’t validate the gossip they are spreading about you.

The Boss or Potential New Boss – Who wants to promote/hire someone who can’t even wash their hair before going out in public? In the presence of your career gatekeepers you must always look successful at everything you are doing, even if it is a task as menial as picking out frozen vegetables at the grocery store. On the odd chance your boss thinks you are a loser he/she will be jealous that you are a better looking "loser" then they are.

Looking top of your game at all times is the best line of defense against this army of ruthless critics, who might I just add are all armed with camera phones! Thanks technology gods now everyone on Facebook and Twitter can see me doing the walk of shame through Target at 4 in the afternoon.

If you don't feel impressive stay home! You are going to walk into a war you can’t win without lip-gloss and a shiny pair of pumps!

Dress like you are always attending the ball” – Cinderella

Friday, July 23, 2010

Top Chef’s Top Bitch!

I am a huge fan of Top Chef as cooking is an art that remains a mystery to me. I ignorantly believed that the day after I got married, a virtual cook book would unlock in my mind. I however did not receive this download! Thanks fairy g-dmother for not granting me this one essential wish!

I am so cooking challenged that I actually once tried boiling an egg in a glass dish on the stove top. Much too only my surprise it exploded - Talk about having egg on your face.This was my traumatic turning point. No physical scars remain, but the emotional ones cut pretty deep into the core of my being, who is now strongly averse to cooking.

So this season of Top Chef is off to a pretty good start. My unexplained hatred for Padma continues for no good reason other than I don't like her face. Why does she speak like she is always delivering devastating news - it is a show about food, lighten up you are not on General  Hospital, no one has a brain tumor or is in a coma. Luckily the show has blessed me with a new person to deflect my disgust towards, Angelo Sosa – what a bitchy queen! Come out of the closet already!  At least I could accept the cattiness from a Cher loving friend of Dorothy’s.

At first I cautiously held back my feelings for Angelo as I thought he was“just playing the game”, but things just continue to get uglier, so unleash the beast!

WARNING! Sleep with one eye open Top Chefers! 

  • Angelo is a self proclaimed competitor – he is “breaking necks and cashing checks”!
  • His advice is toxic; Would you listen to the snake in the Garden of Eden about how to garnish your apple?
  • You might actually have a chance of winning by doing the opposite of what he says - now that is a solid strategy I could get behind 
  • Don’t become Angelo’s next apprentice (aka victim). I know it is easy to be seduced by his mini-massages and late night whisper fests under the stars. Learn by poor Tanesha’s example! She was voted off this week. Guess who tasted her dish and told her is was great??? He is misguiding you on purpose dum dums.
  • If he is immune and offers to make a dish a child or even I can make i.e celery and peanut butter– just say no! This dish is NOT bringing home a win on purpose fool!
  • Finally he looks a little too much like the demented character Syler from Heroes for my comfort. Just saying it is creepy! I bet this is who he takes his greasy hair tips from. Don’t stand to close to that open flame dude!


This season is proving to be off the hook nasty! I guess DC brings out the scheming politician in everyone!

“ Double double boil and bubble, Angelo’s brewing up some trouble” – Cinderella

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Sh*t Prince Charming Says:

Last night Prince Charming informed me that I have "a nose like a Jedi" after I leaned in to kiss him and missed whacking him in the face with my ethnically large nose.

I guess that's what you get for marrying a Jewish princess with no motor skills.

“Oy Vey” – Cinderella

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Lifetime – Television for Idiots!

Who watched Jennifer Love Hewitt’s’ Emmy winning performance last night in The Client List? If you did I would love to hear your thoughts.

Here are my 2 cents:

  • Yes Jennifer Love Hewitt you were caught in a lie, a terrible lie pretending to be an actress. You have not had a good day since Can’t Hardly Wait! Let's not even discuss Jamie Kennedy!
  •  Do all hookers wake up in the morning with perfectly applied makeup and fake eyelashes? Sounds like a good incentive! 
  •  How is her husband so in the dark about her “secret job”? Does he think wearing skanky outfits is just part of being a redneck mom?
  • Why is she repetitively hugging her son after she comes home from “work”? She better be Purelling her entire body like crazy! I would not want to touch her with a ten foot pole (no pun intended)
  • Ironically while JLH was falling asleep at the wheel driving home late from the "Day Spa", I was doing the same on my couch – what a bore! I wish she had crashed into that truck!
  • Finally do all men really want to discuss their favorite food and eat cookies while being serviced? I guess that is a rhetorical question. I think George Costanza answered that question for us all with the pastrami sandwich in bed episode. Seinfeld - The Blood
Let me know your thoughts on this train wreck. I could not make it all the way through for fear of losing anymore of my brain cells! I can only imagine how it ended. Oh Lifetime you are amazing what will you think of next? A movie about a tranny home ec teacher featuring Lady Gaga?

The Client List

“Some girls are doomed to be the ugly step sister“– Cinderella

Sunday, July 18, 2010

How to Act like You're Richer than Gates on an MC Hammer Budget - Part 1

First let's get this straight I do not advocate being a perma bitch or acting holier than Jesus. Being a S.N.O.B. (She is Never Openly Broke) is just having classy standards and never admitting you are ever less than fortunate.

Rule 1: Perception is 2/3 of the law.
  • People believe anything! So you already have the upper hand.
  • Never say: “I am so broke” or “ I can’t afford to do that” when your friends ask you to join them for dinner at a new expensive restaurant and you don’t feel like shelling out $100 for the most awesome piece of sushi ever. Seriously I like a good piece of sushi, but that fish better be spiked with eternal youth if that is what I am spending.
  • Say this instead: 
    • “I can’t make it tonight because I need my beauty sleep; I have a super busy weekend ahead." - Wow she is popular!
    • “I am so slammed at work, its going to be a late night at the office." - She is so productive,  and important! Such a dedicated worker surely commands a high salary.
    •  “I can’t make it tonight, I am saving for the new Louis bag”. That way if you do (and I don’t advise this) purchase a fake LV bag your friends will automatically believe it is real, obviously unless I am your friend.
While this might all sound just down right manipulative and shallow, it is not. If your goal in life is to live like the princess you know you are then strategy is everything. One must present themselves in the way they aspire to be- manifest destiny ladies!

"Sorry Goldilocks I can't make it tonight I am redecorating the house aka cleaning the floors of my ugly stepmother's shack” – Cinderella

Friday, July 16, 2010

Total Eclipse of the Heart!

So I am barely over 30 (and I mean barely you can hardly notice, just ask the guy at the liquor store) and slightly embarrassed that I am curious about seeing a Twilight movie. Please note I said curious. I really thought the books were vapid drool, but hey if you can make millions off of it major kudos to you, you are just proving again that people love BS.

So me and one of my best gals decide to head out to see Eclipse. I am not a Twihard by any means, but she on the other hand might easily meet the criteria by suggesting we seeing it at midnight during the week. I decline as I can’t recall the last time I was out close to midnight on a school night; I might turn into a pumpkin or worse yet fall asleep while snoring in the movie. All the screaming teenagers would  then really think I was as ancient as a vampire.

We agree to go see it at 7PM (during Twilight, the irony was wasted on me at the time), buying our tickets in advance, however when we get there the line is around the block. Damnit! Like two sheep we jump in line bitching as to how the show is set to start in a matter of minutes and we have not even been let in the building. After waiting for like a million years (ok 10 mins, but 10 mins of kvetching feels like a million years ask any Jewish man) we see people going in another entrance – we yell “suckers!” and rush over to the other open door. We were the suckers, the outside line we were standing in was for the later show. Whatever, I refuse to believe I am a sheep.

We rush into the theater, finally finding two seats situated far enough away from the women with the screaming new born. Lady you must like vampires in an unholy way if you decide it is a great idea to bringing your baby out at night to the movies! Some people should not be allowed to reproduce, follow the example of the vampires you covet so much – they can't have babies.

Ssssh.The movie starts with Edward debuting first, and instantly a group of frantic teenage banshees make their eternal devotion know to "Team Edward" vocally. Please get a life! I don’t remember acting like such a ‘tard when I went to see Dirty Dancing for the first time. The 8o’s were totally a better time free of teenage vampires...wait I forgot about Lost Boys and oh yeah TeenWolf - I guess even bad history repeats itself.

I fane interest for a while and then BAM! Jacob enters the scene (and my heart) and the guilt instantly hits me like fat girl to the face. I love Jacob! Yeah team Jacob! Werewolves rule, vampires drool! Before I can even stop to slap myself upside the head, I find myself willing partaking in the mayhem that is going on the theater; I have Bieber fever for werewolves!

I am pissed once the movie is over, I want more Jacob. Like a crackhead I start feeling the withdrawal kicking in almost immediately! I turn to my girlfriend in a frenzy and ask her if she thinks it is weird if I put a poster of Jacob  in my bedroom. She reminds me that I am married and barely over 30! Would Prince Charming really mind,? Honestly could he be threatened by a 16 year old (barely legal) fake werewolf???

I am glad to say I think I have the fever under control and have not yet made a second trip of shame to see Eclipse, my girlfriend however went the following night to see it alone at 10PM; this chick might have it worse than I do.


“Werewolves can’t huff & puff and blow my castle down, right?” – Cinderella

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Thanks Barney Stinson - I made up some words too!

Personable + Dedicated = Personicated
Intelligent + Gorgeous = Intelligeous
Productive + Tenacious = Producious
Inspirational + Creative = Inspirative

Have a go at it, its fun!

Barney Stinson's Awesome Video Resume

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Inspirationally Bitchy!

Amazing read by Jen Lancaster.

check out: for more info.

Maybe one day she will write the forward on my book - "delusions of grandeur get you everywhere!"

Monday, July 12, 2010

Words of Wisdom by Coco Chanel

"Look for the woman in the dress. If there is no woman, there is no dress."

"Luxury must be comfortable, otherwise it is not luxury."

"Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them."

"Some people think luxury is the opposite of poverty. It is not. It is the opposite of vulgarity."

"Success is often achieved by those who don't know that failure is inevitable"

"The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud."

"Those who create are rare; those who cannot are numerous. Therefore, the latter are stronger. "

"Girl should be two things: classy and fabulous."
"A women who doesn't wear perfume has no future."

"As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!"

Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.

"Elegance does not consist in putting on a new dress."

"Elegance is not the prerogative of those who have just escaped from adolescence, but of those who have already taken possession of their future."

"Fashion fades, only style remains the same."

"Fashion is architecture: it is a matter of proportions."

"Fashion is made to become unfashionable."

"Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening. "

"Mirror mirror on the wall is Coco Chanel the fairest of them all?" - Cinderella

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Ugly Step Sister's "Don't of the Day" Don't carry a fake!

If you know it is fake, news flash everyone else does too:

  • If you are wearing jeans from Wally World and  carrying a LV (Seriously there are no words)

  • If I can smell you coming a mile away? Why do these  things all smell like gasoline? I can only assume you are highly flammable - beware! WTF are these things made out of? 

  • If the gold or silver hardware looks like and actually is plastic

  • If the bag is broken and has not been repaired- designer bags NEVER break and if they do the store will repair it or replace it for free. A lifetime warranty is the least you can expect on a purse you opted to buy over you medical insurance for the year - fashion is always the cure

  • If you are driving a car that has an exterior item held on with duct tape. If you can't afford to fix your car  how are you carrying a $2000 Gucci bag?
If you can't afford the real thing don't opt for a knock-off made by poor third world kids. These kids are probably deathly ill from the fumes coming from the materials used to make a purse that ain't foolin' anyone - not to mention some have probably gone up in flames when trying to cook dinner. Carrying a fake makes you look less "rich" and "important" than carry a trendy bag that is actually in your own price range.

My favorite part of the recession is being able to afford bags that I could not always afford before. Opt for brands such as: Michael Kors, Coach, Cole Haan and Kate Spade rather than that "el cheapo" fake. Carrying a moderately priced designer bag during an economic crisis lets everyone know you still have a job (or at the least a fat severance check).

Here are some links to AMAZING deals for arm candy! (check out the sales section) (sign up for the sample sales up to 80% off)

Seriously I know it is tempting, but put down the fake already! Everyone knows you are fronting when you take your Motorola razor out of your D&G bag.

"Stop trying to squeeze into that glass slipper girl" Ugly Sissy


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