Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Twittering Fool!

Kiss My Blue Ass

I successfully avoided Twitter for the last 2 years, watching it grow into it's own sovereign nation, but since I have not been working I felt the compelling need to start discussions with complete strangers. Unemployment did not force me to drink, smoke, shoplift or talk to the walls, it has driven me to TWEET!

I can't believe I have been missing out on several years of celebraties' irreverent thoughts, as well as the thrill of seeing people (who might infact be serial murders, yes you @Dexter) retweet and comment on my tweets. For some reason this makes me feel self righteous! Some rando thinks I am funny, how reassuring!

In the last week or so, I have download the Twitter App to my phone, and have development aches in my elbow joints from holding the phone for too long reading tweets all day. My vision is going, my ability to concentrate on anything other than Twitter is dwindling and the most pathetic of it all, last night I woke up at 4AM in excitement to check if I had any new followers, because in my dream I had just blown up on Twitter and I had bazillions of them... very disappointing when I found out I only had 5. 

According to Lindsey Lohan  Twitter addiction is a reality. She is getting treated for it as we speak at The Betty Ford Clinic. Wow that place will pretend to fix anything you make up for a buck! I bet Twitter was the reason she missed/was late for all her court dates -no seriously.

So after doing some important research here are some of my favorite signs you might be addicted to Twitter:

1. Beg your blog readers to follow you on twitter, then beg your Twitter followers to Retweet the tweet.
2. Keep searching for your twitter name and your tweets in real time twitter search
3. Keep refreshing the twitter page every second for new tweets.
4. Include your twitter profile in your Gmail signature instead� of your blog
5. Print your twitter id on business cards.
6. All of your friends’ names start with @
7. You name your newborn @babygirl1
8. You've seen a reduction in your cell phone minutes. You rarely talk to anyone anymore.
9. You wonder when the day comes that you will make your final exit and head to the pearly gates if anyone will be at your funeral...or will they just tweet it?
10. You wonder if all 10,000 of your followers actually showed up at your house what you would feed them.
11. You check your phone for Twitter updates when you aren't near your computer. If there are none you call your service provider to see if something is wrong.
12. You have blisters on your fingers from banging away at the keyboard so much.
13. You are afraid that if you go to eat lunch or dinner might miss something on Twitter, so you survive on anything that's portable -- like wine and candy.
14. You get all of your news from Twitter...and you believe it.
15. You like the word viral even though it sounds flu-ish.
16. You have a back up plan: if Twitter is down, you communicate on Facebook and vice versa. If both are down you take a Valium and pretend to like MySpace.
17. You sit in a room by yourself tweeting and you laugh. Out loud. A lot. You have even said, "Yes! Exactly" and nodded your head in agreement to many tweets.

You can see exactly how addicted you are by taking the following QUIZ.

I am  67% addicted only after 1 week! Screw you evil blue bird temptress, stop demanding that I follow you! You are laughing you way to the bank while millions become twittering fools! This might be the best terrorist plot yet! Who is watching the country? Even @BarackObama is busy tweeting!  

Please help feed (pun intended) my addiction by following me @cheeky_mouth.

"This ain't the singing Disney blue bird of happiness"


  1. I follow like 3 people on Twitter, but you are RIGHT ON with your list.

    Jim Gaffigan sends out the best tweets ever.

  2. It is what it is... After Twitter, there will be something else and we'll be using it, although we were brought to it against our will... enjoy...


  3. I am not addicted at all, but it is a nice tool to have....

    Btw, I am following you now, so hopefully you will have it in your warm heart to follow me back.

    Have a super day.


  4. I'm a new follower of your blog and absolutely loving it!

    My twitter addiction is insane.


  5. LMAO, you are so right!!!!!! It's funny to me as I'm new to the blog, twitter, buzz on google, network blogs, wow and its so addicting and hard for someone like me, non computer person to figure this all out, so I'm here following you back from your tweet, and asking you to follow me on my blog, lol, how funny right?


  6. New friend / follower... I love your blog !!!


Please leave a comment, I love the attention.


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