Sunday, August 29, 2010
While hitting up the sales a few weeks ago at Bloomies, (you know it is a recession when everything is an additional 40% off, I felt like a teenager with backstage passes to a Twilight convention) I was deeply saddened to find out you are no longer a part of the Bloomingdale's family. I immediately felt like protesting and taking a stand by turning in my resignation and snapping my well earned silver card in two, but unfortunately the ramifications of a divorce with Bloomingdale's was too painful to process. Who would get all the brown bags in the settlement?
Ronnie (or on some days Ronald) I will sincerely miss you waving me into the store asking “girl what you doing here” (umm shopping) like you where surprised to see me and I was just “popping” in for tea unannounced or something. I look back at all that we went through:
You helping me pick out new more appropriate designer jeans to wear in a pick up truck (yes Prince Charming does drive a truck, but we live in the South what where you expecting – at least is does not have gun rack that is where I draw the line). You did not make fun of me for ripping the crotch trying to swing into the truck like I was at a rodeo. You just said calmly (like all girls have this problem) “get the cargo Rock & Republics instead of the ones with rhinestones on the butt. Rhinestones are not appropriate for riding in a truck” – sage advice
I will miss our trips down to the beauty department so that you can sign me up for specials and have the free gifts delivered to my house even when I did not make the minimum purchase. Do you know how much joy you bring to a girl when she receives a box full of free cosmetic samples from Bloomingdale's! Thanks for helping me pull the wool over the cosmetics lady's eyes more than once – your scripted conversations you divulged to me as we rode down the escalator together always worked! I flelt like we where playing out a scene from "The Grifters" - I am pretty sure you wanted to be both Anjelica Huston and Annette Bening.
Finally when it came down to shopping for dresses for my wedding you kept me in check. Although I am pretty sure you have never been to a Synagogue before, being a flaming black man, you constantly reminded me what was appropriate for the “grannies at the Temple”, and when you asked me if all the “Jewish grannies stand in the back of the temple and smoke cigarettes” I swear I loved you more.
So I hope you are out there making some other princesse's shopping dreams come true, and in the one in a million chance you read this, remember me and the time you said “what are you doing here, look at you, you should be getting a facial and that hair cut!” Thanks tact was never wasted on you.
“Bitch I know you took my other glass slipper when you left” – Cinderella
Posted by Elisha at 8:32 AM